New Girl Recap: Schmidt’s Baby Bird Boner

Last night's episode of New Girl confirmed several things for us. We've been suspecting this one for a while but we're now sure, Zooey Deschanel's glasses increase in size with each episode. I swear one size bigger and she might be confused for my blind grandmother. The other things we realized were that we'll never actually care about Winston's plot line, Justin Long eerily resembles the tip of a penis, and Cece looks like, reallyyyyy chic in a hoodie.

Point blank, this episode was just not as funny as the last few…Sorry Schmidt. On the other hand, I rarely feel emotion when watching TV. Like the only occasions on which I felt sadness was the Royal Wedding, although that may have been my body's physical reaction to all the drugs I consumed that night. That said, I wasn't fucked up last night, maybe a slight adderall down, but I actually felt really bad for ZoeZoe and Nick at the end of the episode. Holy balls, broadcast television moistened my eyes!!

So, let's see what happened during this ep:

Jess is depressed about her breakup with Russell for about 10 mins during which she managed to don the fugliest brown button down pajama's I've ever seen. Do you and Lena Dunham shop at the same exclusive store for the poor and ironic? I just don't get it. Question though Jess, U mad?


new girl ugly cry



new girl ugly cry



new girl ugly cry


Then she manages to hooks with the aforementioned tip of the dick who apparently has a girlfriend who is the asian version of Jess. I thought you were the asian me, but I'm just the caucasian you! 

Meanwhile, Schmidt is still suffering from his own problems, namely his broken penis. Now that I think about it, this episode was quite phallic. Seeing as old people are the only thing that don't turn Schmidt on, Cece takes him to meet his grandmother, who might be this week's betch of the week. If you hurt her I will let myself die and then I will haunt you. 

Schmidt: How does a guy like me have a chance at making someone like Cece happy? Grandma: You don't, not with all those moles on your face.

All the while Nick is galavanting around with his super unattractive ex-girlfriend Caroline with whom he decides to move in????? Like, what? Did we miss something? Why would anyone want to move in with someone who looks like a pregnant Gandalf?

Then at the end Jess realizes she really likes Nick…or at least we think. Jess's epiphany at the end was really unclear, like we were trying to figure out what the fuck she was talking about when telling Nick she'll always be there, but we couldn't. It was something about giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have… and receive. Anyway, Nick says sorry bitch but I'm moving in with my girlfriend-man-elf who is, surprise! three years older than I am! See ya lataz.

Winston gets an earring and looks like a pirate hooker.

Quotes and shit: 

Cece comes to the bar dressed in a beenie and big sweater:  Jess: Why's she dressed like a womens studies major?

Jess: Hey guys, you remember Paul Schmidt: Mercedes Gens!! Winston: Genzel Washington! Schmidt: It's the gens of the world as we know it Winston: All right everybody put down your gens and your gencils Paul: Hey Schmidt…uh hey Washington

Schmidt: You backslid all the way down the hill and back into the parking lot. Take off your skis and wait for your family in the lodge Jessica Day.

On Winstons new earring:  Jess: Take it easy black George Michael Schmidt: You look like you were standing in line to a Shaquille O'Neal birthday party

Nick reads the poem he wrote to himself during his last breakup with Caroline: Shall I compare thee to a summers day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch.

Cece: I don't know what we're supposed to do together, everything turns you on… ::Flashback to them looking outside of the window:: Schmidt: Oh look Cece, a bird!….ow, owww…Damn it! Cece: Schmidt, it's a mother bird in her nest. Schmidt: Must I say it Cece?? Cece: What!? Schmidt: Eggs.

What'd you guys think was funny last night? Let us know in the comments, and please let us just fucking hope next week will be funnier. Bring back the douchebag jar, take my eyes but not the jar!


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