One of my favorite features on Deadspin used to be their “Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failures” series. There’s something deeply satisfying about seeing other men admit their shortcomings, but alas it appears to be no more. Going through the archive, however, got me thinking: Hookup failures from a girl’s perspective would be infinitely more interesting. That’s why I’m calling on you, dear reader, to send me your funniest, most ridiculous hookup failure stories.
Was there a time when the guy you brought home was so utterly clueless that you couldn’t help but laugh at how badly a seemingly sure thing imploded? Have you ever been the architect of your own hookup demise? Have things been going smoothly, only to be interrupted by what could only have been an act of God? This isn’t me making fun of you, or giving advice. This is simply an opportunity to share your most ridiculous hookups gone awry with your fellow betches.
When submitting, there are only a few simple rules:
Don’t be a douche about it – No one wants to hear about how you’re the baddest betch on the planet and always get it in because every guy you meet wants to fuck you. Just be honest and clear – let a good, funny story be good and funny on its own. This isn’t the fucking Penthouse Forum, and spending three paragraphs making fun of a guy’s whiskey dick isn’t interesting.
Make your best attempt at brevity – I understand that when telling a story, you need to set the scene. That’s fine, but remember that this is for other people to read, not a chance for you to do your best Faulkner impression. I’d hate to lose a good story to an absurd word count, and I hate editing even more. If you can keep it, say, in the 500 word region, I’ll be able to publish a few at a time.
No fake shit – Sex is by nature so awkward and ripe for hilarity that you shouldn’t need to make something up. No one wants to hear some shit about how your orgy with One Direction got broken up because you had to catch a plane to give a last-minute TED Talk. If it’s fake, I’ll know. If I think it’s fake, I may even email you back wanting more details. Don’t make me do that; I try to avoid interacting with other people as much as possible.
It's completely anonymous – Fucking duh.
That should do it. Email your hookup failures to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If this catches on, we’ll have a whole new series of posts for you to enjoy that requires almost zero work on my part!