Mulled Apple Cider: Your Cure for Blacking Out this Holiday Season

I mean, fatass holiday season is nearly upon us and while I don’t know about you, I’d rather die than gain an extra 15 lbs from the gorge-fest about to commence. Forgive me, (or don’t) but I really don’t feel bad not taking part in eating the turkey you slaaaaaaaaaaaaved over. I know it’s oven-ready, covered in gross chemicals, pre-cooked and you’re challenged. What, like, turkey is hard? It’s not. But I digress.

Instead, I choose to go the betchy route and eat my granola and drink my calories. Point – the alcoholic apple cider. Because no betch would be caught DEAD drinking eggnog (just… stop), we have to come up with more creative and festive alternatives in order to blackout during our time home for the holidays.

I give you the alcoholic mulled apple cider. You’ll thank me when you don’t remember trying on grandma’s wig.

  • 4 cups apple cider (get the good shit)
  • 1 cup spiced rum (the dark kind not the Malibu-ish kind)
  • 1 apple, sliced thin
  • 1 orange, sliced across
  • 2 cinnamon sticks
  • 1 cheesecloth or tea-scooper full of cloves (whole ones, not ground), allspice, and freshly ground nutmeg (ugh you can use ground if you want, pleb)

As a note, this recipe is adapted from Queen of Betchy Domesticity, Martha Stewart; I just added more things. What you wanna do is literally combine all of the above EXCEPT THE RUM in a huge pot and bring to a boil. Then, reduce the heat and simmer this shit for like, 5 minutes. Turn down the heat to very, very low (like, the warm setting on the stove) and you can add your rum. The ratio of cider to booze is 4 to 1, but to me, the limit does not exist.

If you want to make the same recipe with something diff, go for it. Substitute Bourbon for rum, or go completely batshit and just add regular whiskey. You can also add a lemon instead of the apple and orange. Think how classy you’ll feel this holiday season with this drink; plus, you’ll look really good in a bikini come spring break season if you drink your calories and not eat them.


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