Your Zodiac Moon Sign Is The Key To Understanding Your Terrible Life Choices

As we all know by now, astrology is one of the best ways out there for you to take all of your life’s problems and blame them on forces beyond your control. Were you being a bitch at brunch today? Sorry for being an Aries. Did you just get fired because your boss realized you’ve been doing nothing every day for the past three months? Ugh. I guess Mercury is in retrograde. Did your fifth consecutive relationship just crash and burn? It’s because you keep dating Scorpios.

Now, every self-respecting betch obviously knows her sun sign. Maybe you even have a tiny tattoo of it behind your ear or something. (Congrats on being basic, btw.) But there are actually so many more aspects to your astrological chart that you use as excuses for why you are the way you are. Did you know that in addition to your sun sign, you also have a moon sign? And that moon sign is 100% responsible for all the bad decision making you’ve engaged in in for your entire life. *Turns to therapist* See, I don’t need to change.

So what is a moon sign exactly? Well, while your sun sign dictates your personalities (For example: Taurus is anal, Aries is bitchy, Gemini is fucking nuts, etc…), your moon sign shapes your emotions or your inner mood. So like, let’s say your moon sign is making you feel insecure because you think you gained three pounds, your sun sign will then take that and translate it into action, usually in the form of blacking out and throwing a drink at your ex.

See? It was all in the stars. Totally not your fault and you shouldn’t have to pay for the damage to his jacket. 

So, by now you’re probably thinking, “OMG! Finally. Something I can blame my problems on next time I go on an emotional Twitter rampage! I need to find my moon sign ASAP.”

To find your moon sign, just put the date, time, and general location of your birth into this moon sign calculator, then check our helpful guide below and start blaming your problems on your moon sign today!

Aries Moon

An Aries moon means that you are an independent woman who don’t need no man! Unless you want one, in which case you won’t stop until you have him. You basically need to be free – like 2015 Miley Cyrus or some shit. See, it’s totally not your fault that you need so much attention. You can’t be tamed.

Taurus Moon

Your Taurus moon is 100% the reason why you keep flaking on going out in favor of Netflix binging in your sweatpants. Taurus moons need stability, comfort, affection, and beauty which is why getting yourself a gorgeous fuckboy who wants to stay in and tell you how pretty you are all day is an absolute must. Sorry men with other priorities, it’s not you. It’s the moon.

Gemini Moon

Gemini moons need constant communication and stimulation, which is why your ADHD brain took so well to fidget spinners. Next time someone tells roasts you for looking at your phone or suggests your adderall prescription is too high, feel free to let them know that you’re just fulfilling your emotional needs as a Gemini and to kindly fuck off.

Cancer Moon

People say you’re needy, but you’re just a Cancer moon. This means you need nurturing, safety, family, and lots and lots of comfort food. See! That’s why you can’t stick to a diet to save your life. It has nothing to do with a lack of self control. Nothing at all.

Leo Moon

Leo moons need glamor, affection, non-stop entertainment, and attention, attention, attention. Some people may side-eye your constant social media posting, but it’s not your fault you need a steady stream of likes to feel emotionally secure. Honestly, for you, it’s not social climbing. It’s self care.

Virgo Moon

Everyone in your office is so over your long, bulleted emails and OCD desk organization, but it’s not your fault you need order in your life. Your coworkers can leave all their side-eying and passive aggressive comments to themselves because you’re totally not a bitch. You’re a Virgo.

Libra Moon

Wow. I bet your last 5 boyfriends feel bad for calling you “clingy” now. You’re not clingy, you just were born during a time when the moon made you desire companionship. See, officer. You just had to break into your ex’s apartment to make sure he wasn’t seeing someone else. The moon compelled you.

Sagittarius Moon

Wow, congrats betches. Your moon makes you “innately optimistic, expansive, and positive in your point of view.” Honestly I’m impressed. People might get pissed at your rosy outlook, but fuck the haters. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Just like, don’t talk to me when I’m hungover.

Scorpio Moon

Scorpio moons need privacy, intensity, and strong sexual chemistry, so it makes perfect sense that you hook up with and dump a new guy every damn day of the week. Sure, some people may call you a slut or a skank, but you’re just fulfilling your soul’s destiny by lining up as many eligible dudes as possible and then kicking them to the curb so you can hang at home alone. What’s so wrong with that?

Capricorn Moon

Capricorn moons are 100% focused on their long-term legacy, so it’s totally not your fault that you’ve ghosted all of your friends for the past three months. You were working on your new easy endeavor, duh! You’re not cold, you’re motivated. And everyone will forget how often you blew them off when you’re rich anyway, right?

Aquarius Moon

All of your friends have unfollowed you on Facebook because of your compulsion to post long political statuses with 200+ comments, but you can’t help it. Aquarius moons literally need to subvert the powers that be, and have you seen the powers that be lately? Sorry, but somebody’s gotta clog your feed with news about the healthcare bill, and that person is you.

Pisces Moon

Oh sure, some people get frustrated with you because you’re “not paying attention” and “a fucking dumbass,” but that’s just because you have an emotional need for fantasy, creativity, and escape. It’s not your fault that while your date is talking you’re imagining him as a hotter, more interesting person. It’s just your Pisces imagination! 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.