Miley Cyrus & Her Dog Are On The Roadtrip Of A Lifetime

Our sweet, sweet Miley Cyrus has had quite the summer. First, she dealt with a tumultuous breakup with husband Liam Hemsworth, where rumors of his drug and alcohol abuse and rumors of her infidelity spread like wildfire. Soon after, she went on a twitter rant for the ages, listing a slew of things she’s been criticized for in her recent life, from getting fired from Hotel Translyvania for licking a penis cake to “probably having more nudes on the internet than any woman in history,” but swore up and down that she didn’t cheat. Then, Liam officially filed for divorce in August after less than a year of marriage, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

We all rejoiced when we thought Miley rediscovered her happiness with Kaitlynn Carter, as the two lived the hot girl summer Meghan Thee Stallion was rapping about. They were both fresh off of high-profile marriages, and they seemingly were always holding hands all over the f*cking world, from yachts off the Italian coast to backstage at the VMAs. In the early days of September, the two seemed to be getting more and more serious, with sources telling People they were living together, Kaitlynn wearing an “M” engraved ring, and more PDA than a couple of high school seniors who are about to graduate and go to different colleges. Then, like expired alka seltzer, the two fizzled out in about two god damn seconds, ending things on September 22nd—talk about a summer fling!

I think we can all agree that we just want Miley to be happy, and some time alone is exactly what I would recommend to a friend who went through two serious relationships in a matter of two months. It seems Miley agreed, because according to her Instagram, she’s on the vacation of a lifetime with her one true love: her dog Bean.

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Bean + MC = 4EVR 🖤🌄🖤🌄

A post shared by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

This dog no doubt lives a life with more riches than most of us can even dream of. I imagine he eats milk bones off silver platters and has someone that scrapes his butt on the carpet so he doesn’t have to do it himself—I’m not jealous of a dog, you’re jealous of a dog. The two are apparently in Lake Powell, which is partly in Utah and partly in Arizona, and wholly some place that I would happily be buried.

Here’s Bean on a kayak with his mom:

Traveling influencers are somehow now a thing, and apparently the ways to become one are to either have rich parents, be Dean Unglert from Bachelor in Paradise, or be the incredibly lucky dog of Miley Cyrus. Here’s a little taste of what Bean Cyrus has been up to over the past few days. And remember, I’m definitely *NOT* jealous of this dog.

I mean…are you f*cking kidding? I’m about to buy a dog costume and pull some sh*t like that 22-year-old who pretended to be a toddler to get adopted. It seems like Miley is finally in a healthy and loving relationship, and this one won’t f*ck it up on her.

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Beanie takes Powell 🛶⛰🏞

A post shared by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

It seems her mom and sister are on the trip as well, so Bean must fit into the family seamlessly—some people have all the luck! Regardless, Miley looks great, Bean looks even better, and whoever is the next non-four-legged companion for Miley better watch themselves, because Bean is some stiff competition. Literally who needs a man (or woman) when you have a fur baby like that? No one, that’s who.

Images: mileycyrus / Instagram

Chris Burns
Chris Burns
Chris Burns aka Fat Carrie Bradshaw is a comedian, actor, writer and drag queen based in New York City. While he's not married and doesn't have any children he does someday hope to be rich.