Michael Phelps Is Sober Now, Lame

Michael Phelps has decided to stop drinking until the Rio Olympics, which isn't until next summer. So which will be harder: Winning 8 Olympic Gold Medals in Beijing or being sober for a year? The whole sobriety things seems unnecessary.  He's the most decorated Olympian of all time, I think he's earned a couple beers.

But, Michael has already been arrested for 2 DUIs, and doesn't want to pull a Lindsay Lohan and get a third one. For his most recent DUI, he was suspended from the US swim team, which is kind of like when that girl got suspended for bringing vodka to prom, except he was actually upset.

Tbh, Michael has become the Olympics' weird uncle who keeps showing up to Thanksgiving dinner even though nobody really knows why. He's basically a merman, so what else is he going to do with his time? At the same time, we're pretty sure he keeps competing just to fuck with Ryan Lochte.

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