A Strongly Worded Letter To People Who Talk About the Mercury Retrograde

Dear Astrology Freaks,

For some reason, there are people out there in the world that think when their life gets hard, they can blame it on the stars. We’re not talking about Romeo and Juliet, we’re talking about astrology freaks. If you’re talking to a friend and she drops the line, “I should have known better than to go on a date while mercury is in retrograde” in an unironic way, you should turn and run the other way.

Honestly, even ironically we’re tired of hearing about the retrograde. To clarify, reading horoscopes are fine because we love talking about ourselves, and what better excuse to talk about yourself than to use the horoscope to do so? But when it comes to planets being the reason your life is sad, give us a break.

You didn’t get the job you wanted or your casual hookup won’t commit to you and now you’re blaming the stars for it? Okay, lol sure. We think if you’re into astrology so much that it’s affecting how you live your life, there’s probably more cause to your problems at home than in the stars.

Plus you’re bumming us out. If you’re spouting nonsense about mercury being in retrograde, you’re also telling us that we should like be careful. We’ll care just as much as weird religious people telling us we’re going to hell because of premarital sex. As in, very little. But it’s still bothering us, because hello? Negativity?

We’re probably more likely to die from mercury in our water than the planet Mercury. There’s enough shit to worry about on the Earth, and it’s just like, ugh. We get it. You do yoga. You read tarot cards. You’re probably into S&M and wore Hot Topic in high school. But like, do us a favor and retrograde yourself away from us. Thanks.


The Betches