The forecast next week calls for a low UNDER 20 degrees, so like, I officially think we all need to collectively be on winter vacation. How am I supposed to get work done in the frigid environment that is my office? How am I to function when it’s dark at 4pm? Where is my will to live? I mean, if you’re going to tell me that drinking at work is frowned upon, what do I have left? Help a sister out, here.
Thanks to Mercury f*cking our sh*t up and being in retrograde until November 20th, I assume most of us had an emotional rollercoaster of a week. Will the planets and stars continue to ruin our lives and make us feel way too many feelings?! Find out in your weekend horoscopes.
Everything is so damn inspiring, Scorpio. Seriously, everything from leaves falling off trees to the way your meal for one is spinning in the microwave has you wanting to create art and sh*t. However, Mars is messing with Pluto and making you more likely to get easily frustrated and/or blow up at someone, so maybe it’s best if you channel your inner Vincent Van Gogh and be a bit of a loner for the weekend.
You’re feeling delighted by everything, Sagittarius, and the cosmos want you to share it with like, everyone. The moon is pushing you to try something new, so maybe Saturday is the perfect time to head to that nude model art class. You may even be mature enough to sketch a penis without giggling!
Head into the great outdoors this weekend, Capricorn. The planets are preaching self-care, and the quiet of nature could be the perfect way to calm your back-and-forth feelings. If it isn’t going to be cold as f*ck on Sunday, plan to sit outside with your PSL and stare at people. Write in a journal so people think you’re deep, too.
Get out of town, Aquarius. A change of pace is the best thing for you, so Saturday morning, make a plan to drive two to three hours out of the city and do something autumnal and adorable. The weekend is ideal for learning, so lean in to exploring stuff.
Time to stare down the barrel of your finances, Pisces. You’ve been avoiding it, but it’s time to get one of those fancy apps that yells at you for the amount of money you spend on dining out and ordering Pizza Hut every other day. It’s also a great weekend to do a sit-and-think about your current career. Are you happy? Is it time to update your resume? Time to have an adult conversation with yourself.
Tis the weekend for romance, Aries. That’s shocking, ’cause you’re usually a sassy pain in the ass, but, apparently, Mars wants you to be happy Friday and Saturday, so it’s a great time to head out and try to meet people. You’ll also feel a strong desire to be active af on Sunday, so go for a jog then tell all your friends about what an amazing picture of health you really are.
Your intuition is on f*cking point this weekend, Taurus, so listen to your gut. Friday, Venus is creating a sexy hot energy all around you, so head on out and use it to your advantage. Need a fling? A partner for cuffing season? A free drink? Whatever—you do you.
Plan for a good f*cking time this weekend, Gemini. Call up your posse and schedule some basic activities like brunch, apple picking, or throwing pumpkin beers in the trash. You’re gonna be feeling extra intuitive, so it’s a good time to check in with your friends and see how each of them are doing while offering your sage wisdom about everything from dating to which Taco Bell menu items are least likely to give you gas.
Get ready for some drama in the home and family department this weekend, Cancer. Mars is stirring sh*t up (typical), so try to keep in mind that tensions may be running high and you can stay out of it if you want. Focus on yourself with a trip to the spa or a much needed cut and color with your go-to salon stylist.
You won’t be able to sit still this weekend, Leo, so get ready to seize Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and make the most of them. Romance and adventure are both on the docket for Saturday, so don’t be surprised if that hike you decided to go on in the spur of the moment leads to a rom-com-level meeting with a laid-back, cool, hot, single guy who seems too good to be true. That probably won’t happen, but we can hope.
Mercury is pushing your communication buttons, Virgo. You’re feeling smart af, so put that intellect to good use by actually reading a book this weekend or learning how to do your taxes. You could also get really drunk and discuss climate change with your besties if that’s your vibe.
Distress and discomfort are the name of the game this weekend, Libra. On Saturday you’re going to feel pulled between wanting to perform some much needed self-care and taking care of those around you. The good news is that if you’re careful, you can do both. Take time to comfort friends and family with their everyday bullsh*t, then head into the spa for some necessary you time. Come Monday, you’ll feel accomplished af.
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