Maybe We Can Have Nice Things? Weekend Horoscopes April 30-May 2

Well friends, because time is a social construct, we’ve somehow already made it to May again. The fact that we’re already a third of the way through 2021 feels deeply wrong, but there’s nothing we can do about it, so this weekend we’ll just do our best to go with the flow. Europe just announced that vaccinated Americans can travel there over the summer; we haven’t had to use the phrase “the President tweeted…” in, like, a while; and our summer is looking up. Maybe the stars will align for a chill, relaxing weekend, too? Let’s dive in.


Jazz snaps for you, Taurus! This weekend is going to be, as the kids say, “lit.” Plan to get out with friends on Saturday and, if you’re fully vaccinated, ditch the mask for outdoor hangs where you can actually SHOW OFF YOUR DOPE LIPSTICK. OMFG. Sunday, your boss may reach out with weekend work or a question, but it’s best to balance your professional self with some self-care (i.e. answer your boss or deal with projects while having a glass of wine).


Try not to bicker this weekend, Gemini. The passion you feel could either start a fight over nothing, or be repurposed into some very good, very weird sexual energy. Lean into that sh*t. Things will calm down Sunday, and it’s a good opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy nature solo.


Friday will end the workweek on a high note before you sprint into a romantic weekend, Cancer. You’ll be passionate, but volatile, so avoid topics with your S.O. that tend to start fights. Remember to pick your battles. Plan some time with friends on Saturday so you can take a breather before heading back home. Communication will be better on Sunday, so if you do need to pick a fight about something important—like how he hasn’t been showing enough interest in your dog’s daycare report cards—you’ll more easily find the words to get your point across.


Get creative af this weekend, Leo. The moon wants you to get your hands dirty, so maybe it’s time to tackle that kitchen reno, or like, something smaller, like replacing the knob that snagged your fav pants and tore a hole. Sunday will actually be a great day to convince your friend or partner to help you with said project, since the moon is making you smooooooth with your words and negotiation skills.


Stay home and snuggle up in your sweatpants in the AC, Virgo. Even if it’s beautiful outside, it’s cool to stay on the couch and admire from afar. Less allergies to contend with, right? Yeah. Like literally everyone else, you could experience some tongue-tying in the beginning of the weekend, leading to misunderstandings. The best solution? Don’t f*cking talk to people after work on Friday, and keep your lips closed until Saturday night. That’ll teach the stars to f*ck with us.


Overall, you’re in for a nice, boring lil weekend, Libra. Shocker—spirits are high on Friday after work, and it’s a good night to go out and grab a bite with friends. Saturday, you may experience a bit of a mood shift because #planets , but it should die down in time for you to enjoy a quiet night at home with good, greasy Mexican food and a Netflix murder doc.


Maybe like, isolate yourself a little this weekend, Scorpio—at least on Friday and part of Saturday. The planets are gearing up to make anything you say come off meaner than usual, so sensitive friends beware. Instead, use your energy to do something artsy and creative, like painting your boyfriend’s car with watercolors or creating a sculpture out of face masks, IDFK. Communication gets back on track on Sunday, so call your mom and ask about the money she still owes you from your 15th birthday party.


Money and material are the theme for the weekend, Sagittarius. Start the weekend off right by not adding an extra appetizer to your DoorDash order on Friday night. It’s those kinds of adult decisions (that, and avoiding avocado toast) that’ll clearly set you up for success long-term. Saturday and Sunday the responsibility continues, so try not to blow money on dumb sh*t. Instead, strong-arm your friends into buying you drinks if you go out.


Steer clear of topics that will cause disagreements in the beginning of the weekend, Capricorn, because come the end of the weekend, you’ll be really putting that communications degree to good use. If your schedule and vaccine status allow, head out of town with your S.O. and soak in the scenery away from home. Taking a breath of fresh non-stale non-house/apartment air will do you both good.


Avoid work drama on Friday, Aquarius, unless you want more work over the weekend. Stay out of office politics completely, and scoot out early to snag drinks with a friend. Saturday is for sleeping in and exploring whatever weird dreams you’ve been having lately. Who knows, the universe could give you some weird insight into the important convos you need to have with a close friend or family member on Sunday.


Like everyone else, there’s potential for some disagreement on Friday and Saturday, Pisces, so we recommend drinking to the point of blackout one or both days so you and your bestie/S.O. don’t remember what you argued about. Honestly, that seems like a solid solution. The rest of the weekend should be spent nursing a hangover and driving the struggle bus before you head back to a SH*TTY workweek on Monday. Godspeed.


Have fun this weekend, Aries. Ya know, avoid drama, grab drinks, befriend your Uber driver, make out with a stranger—don’t, no, wait—not yet. Soon. Plan to enjoy the weather with a low-key dinner and drinks party outdoors with a few close friends. You can test out that f*cking banana bread recipe you absolutely perfected in quarantine.

Images: Belle Ensor / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson