213. Made-Up Names

Remember that first night of camp when you were ten, and you all had to go around in a circle and say your name and an adjective that started with your first initial (because apparently that’s the best way to really get to know someone). There were like four rockin’ Rachels, five super Sarahs, whatever I’m just gonna call you all Jewish Girl anyway. But then there was that one girl in the bunk who you noticed had brought like three tube-tops with her and immediately you knew she had to have an awesome made-up name like amazing Alyssone or dumbass Danyolo. That betch has an automatic leg-up, because her name was so fucking stupid that you became weirdly jealous that her parents were probably drunk when she arrived.

Having a made-up name doesn’t work for everyone. If there’s a hyphen in the middle you’re at serious risk of being perceived as some white trash slut called Misha-Lynn or like, Kandi-Lee. No fucking thanks. But if you’re lucky enough to be blessed with an awesome constellation of vowels that your foreign econ professor will definitely not be able to pronounce, you’re in the ranks of our society’s elite. I can’t imagine anything more fun than going to Starbucks and yelling at the barista because he doesn’t even know how to spell Zabrina and wrote some boughie-ass name like Sally on my soy venti iced latte instead. Just another battle in the War of the Classes.

Unfortunately, we have little control over the monikers our parents give us. If you have conservative parents they probably wanted to name you after some dead relative, because what does the world need more than another fucking Catherine Jones? But if there’s anything we’ve learned from our Armenian sisters/occasional life coaches of the Kardashian Dynasty, it’s that you can take even the most basic white name like “Courtney,” and transform it into your own unique title by replacing the C with a K. Honestly, who wants to party with a girl named Cameron when you could rage all night long with a girl named Kameron? You know that girl has an addy prescription.

If you can pull off a foreign name, you’re really reaching the peaks of betchdom. Take, for instance, my favorite ADHD squirrel-person, Shoshanna Shapiro of HBO’s Girls. She is a twofold superstar because not only does she pull off a Hebrewish name without looking like she’s the fifth of a rabbi’s twelve daughters, but she is played by a woman named Zosia, which is the fakest real name I’ve ever heard. Other qualifiers IRL include Kylie Minogue, Shania Twain, and Shailene Woodley.

For all you pregnant betches trying to determine what the best choice is for your unborn daughter or gay son, here’s my advice for choosing the perfect made-up name.

Last names as first names: Madison, Marley, McKenzie, McKayla, McAnyGirlsName

Chemistry-inspired: Xenon, Xylitol, Mercury

Nouns (usually limited to celebrities): Apple, Floor, Cablewire 

Consonant-heavy: Keighleigh, Lindzeigh, Geighlord

Random names: Just bang your fist on your keyboard and see how fate answers.


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