We're going to start with a very small apology for skipping last week's recap. After receiving many threatening emails/comments/blocked phone calls beginning Monday evening which didn't stop until Friday, we realized just how significant the Mad Men recap is to all of your lives. It just goes to show we all want what we can't have. Anyway, all that happened last week was that Betty joined Weight Watchers and Sally proved to be a bigger bitch than we had hoped. All is well in Rye, New York.
So that brings us to the question of what the fuck happened last night on Mad Men!? Here's our general answer, basically nothing, except for an epic Joan-break-down that we re-watched about three times. SURPRISE, THERE'S AN AIRPLANE HERE TO SEE YOU! …throws toy airplane.
This episode was miscellaneous in every way. Maybe because they chose to focus on Lane Pryce, the most boring and painfully unattractive character in the entire series. No seriously, I would rather watch Bluto, Sal's Grams, trip over the phone chord ten more times than listen to Lane's emetic British accent screaming things like BOLLUCKS or I WANT THAT BONUS.
Lane: Let's get this bro out of the way. We literally have no idea what was going on with him except that he's low on cash. The reason is unbeknownst to us, something about some other Brit telling him he needed it fast. After some serious Catch Me If You Can shit, Lane should've used his forged checks to buy Miss Honey a nightgown that makes her look more like Violet Beauregarde post-blueberry transformation and less like a fucking life size berry.
Joan: Speaking of people who often look like bloated fruit, Joan was great last night. Yeah it totally sucks she was served by her ex-psuedo-homosexual-boyfriend/Gossip-Girl's-Columbia-professor-planted-in-the series-to-destroy-the-Vanderwoodsens, but the fit she threw made the divorce totally worth it. But seriously, we can't believe that front desk bitch would talk to Joan like that. It just shows that as time goes on, some of these characters are fatefully stuck in the past, in a time where the work philosophy was 'talk shit (to Joan) get hit (by Joan).
PS. Let's place bets on if Joan and Don are going to hooks.
Why They Will: – Don will fuck anything- Joan will fuck anything- They've known each other for a long time- Joan has huge boobs- Don's never gone natural ging
Why They Won't: – Don is still faithful to Megan, for now- Jealous Roger might stab Don in the eye with Joan's pen necklace/coke-dispenser.
Don: Don is in cultural limbo. He realized last night that chillin' on his office couch and leaving work at 4pm does not a successful ad man make…at least not anymore. So, he delivers a speech, it went something like this: “I have a dream that for the next few weekends we're going to do a lot of work on this Jaguar campaign. I'm going to take off my jacket now to show you that this means me too. But the most work I'm really going to do is exactly that, take off my jacket, while I will watch you guys do shit, because I'm Don Draper. I just bought a Jaguar, so fuck you. Where's my scotch?”
Don proclaims that driving this car doesn't really do anything for him but he's lying. He loves it. Joan says it doesn't do anything for him because he's already happy but we call bullshit. He's unhappy because of his one fatal flaw, his eternal inability to be satisfied, because he's still living a life that isn't his. He is Dick Whitman, Walt Whitman's gay brother.
Megan: What was up with all the emotional outbursts last night? Everyone's menstrual cycles are synced and it must be fucking high tide or some shit. But we're definitely happy this outburst happened because it was hyyyysterical. Like Megan was totally bugging because Don didn't come home for dinner and then forced him to eat when he got home. Don was probably like, this is amazing, I'm wasted, in trouble, and my punishment is that I get to drunk eat. Rack city, Dick. ::pats self on back, but misses because too drunk::
Harry: And lastly, the award for most arbitrary (but meaningful in the way we're too lazy to explore on this website) plot lines in Mad Men history goes to Harry, in his moment of Hindu clarity. Paul's return in all his pale yellow caftan glory was incredible. We imagine this was a huge 'fuck you' to the spiritual people who find temporary guidance with fake religion, with love from Matthew Weiner. It's like those people who read The Secret.
From the praying scene, with Sanjay Gupta spritizing hallucinogenic in a small conference room; to Paul, the Hindu in the diner, the whole thing was just ridiculous. If we were playing a drinking game, taking a shot each time Lakshmi was mentioned, I wouldn't have been drunk, only because I burst out in laughter the five hundred times it happened. Oh and then Lakshmi fucks Harry, as a means to keep Paul a Hindu. But she commands Harry to stay away from Paul AFTER she has sex with him. Lakshmi looks exactly like Juliette Lewis and her logic is more flawed than Communism. And in the fourth step, you will continue to do what I say because I fucked you already.
Quotes of the Night
Front receptionist: I don't remember everything everyone tells me.Joan: Because you're an idiot!
Pete: Are you drunk?Roger: Pearl Harbor Day, show some respect
Don: That's a lot of workPete: Yes, you may have to stay past 5:30
Harry's receptionist: There's a Lakshmi here to see you…