Last night’s Bachelorette premier certainly featured some interesting personalities. I didn’t realize when the producers said this would be the “most diverse season yet” that they were also referring to mental health. Interesting choice. We were introduced to a grown man who loves sexual harassment tickling, an aspiring drummer who thinks he has the right to judge literally anyone, a guy who purrs at people, and Little Adam, the horrifying French doll.
But none of this held a candle to Lucas Yancey, aka “WhaBoom,” or “the reason why many still choose to attend women’s colleges.” If “Here for the wrong reasons” was a person, it would be Lucas, who is clearly there to promote…something? Himself? A comedy career? The concept of “WhaBoom?”
Anyway, being that we all consider Rachel Lindsay to be a close personal friend at this point, we did the only thing friends can do in this kind of situation and Googled her potential husband to see what we could find.
And would you believe it, we found a lot. Before appearing on The Bachelorette, Lucas took it upon himself to write his own IMDB page, probably in anticipation of when Dave Chapelle, Louis C.K., and Amy Schumer all catch a glimpse of last night’s episode and simultaneously call up Netflix to demand this man get his own comedy special or they’ll quit. “If only we’d thought of looking directly into the camera and shaking uncontrollably while screaming WHHAAAAAAABOOOOOOOM as loud as we could!” they’ll say, “Get this man to Hollywood!!!”
So what does an IMDB page for a person with no career beyond his own catchphrase actually say? Let’s dive in:
So before we even get to the horrific mini bio that Lucas wrote for himself (we know this because he signed it), let’s talk about his nickname, which is apparently Y-Man.
1. I have a 90% certainty that no one has ever called him Y-Man, and that this nickname is entirely something he created himself.
2. Your fucking nickname is Whaboom.
Moving onto the mini-bio, which you should honestly read in pieces because it is deeply upsetting.
“Lucas Yancey was born June 4th, 1986 … yes he’s a Gemini … and has a twin brother. Crazy huh!?! He also has the same birthday as Angelina Jolie, so I guess that makes him legit, in one way or another.”
Okay so first of all, if your professional acting biography begins with a paragraph solely dedicated to your birthday, that is a problem. Like, I highly doubt that Seth Rogan or whoever tf Lucas is trying to be’s IMDB bio starts with, “Seth is a Taurus, and in some circles and has the same body type as a bull! Lol” Also, if you’re going to write your own bio in the 3rd person, at least try to make it sound like you had an assistant do it or something. This was so clearly written on Lance’s phone between keg stands after he found out someone actually wanted to put him on television.
Second of all, sharing a birthday with someone means literally nothing. It does not make you “legit.”
Third of all, you are not legit. You are the opposite of legit. You are illegit.
Moving on…
“He is originally from Woodside, CA and now lives in Los Angeles working as an Actor/Writer/Producer. He is known for his Comedic Films, TV Shows, Reality TV and Commercials. He’s a jack of all trades and a master of many! A renaissance man, who has a vision that only the wisest of wise understand.”
Oh boy. Okay. Where to begin…
1. Serious question—is your personality sponsored by Doritos? You are Nacho Cheese incarnate. Your presence is a Cool Ranch nightmare, a BBQ disaster, a Sweet Chili trash fire. You are tacky, and I hate you.
2. In what capacity are you an Actor/Writer/Producer? Like, name a single thing you have acted in, written, or produced, besides a deep discomfort in those around you. Sorry buddy, but I can’t help but notice that the “credits” portion of your IMDB page is empty. Literally. Empty. Y-Man doesn’t even have a weird commercial for herpes cream or a parody porno to his name. This would be like me making a page saying that I’m a backup dancer for Beyoncé. It’s not true. It’s just something I think about being when I’m high, listening to music on the train. These are not things you include on your resume. These dreams are for your diary, Lucas. Not the fucking internet.
3. WHAT COMEDIC FILMS HAVE YOU APPEARED IN?!?! Lucas knows that his now-defunct Vine account does not count as a film career, right? By these standards literally every human could make an IMDB page saying, “Kelly has appeared in over one thousand films which premiered on Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram Story. She is a writer for Facebook, Pinterest, and has penned over six thousand Tweets.”
4. “Comedic Films” need not be capitalized. If you’re going to write your own IMDB page, at least have your mom (who you clearly live with) look it over before posting.
5. Again, name a comedic film, TV show, reality show, or commercial you have appeared in other than The Bachelorette, which premiered Monday. Just one. Any one. It doesn’t even have to be good. We’re waiting, Y-Man.
6. As for being a “jack of all trades and master of many,” this might actually be true. Lucas has proven in just one short episode that he can successfully implement a number of different strategies for being annoying AF, including, but not limited to: 1) having a megaphone, 2) wearing your own catchphrase on your shirt, 3) having that shirt be sleeveless, 4) screaming your catchphrase in such a way that everyone around you wonders if maybe you are having a seizure, 5) just being himself.
7. “Renaissance man” is a term that was coined to describe Leonardo DaVinci. You are not Leonardo DaVinci. Though I guess you could be considered the Leonardo DaVinci of only being on The Bachelorette because the producers want to see how far this can go, but I doubt that’s what you’re referring to.
8. We all get your vision, dude. You want to be on TV, and you’re willing to totally humiliate yourself to do so. Mission accomplished.
Next we come to Lucas’ call to action, which is all the more upsetting because it includes not one, but two smiley faces.
NOTE TO SELF: Remember to write your Congressperson and demand a law that will have anyone who includes two smiley faces in their own biography arrested immediately. This ends today.
“Cast him in your next film, and you will never be disappointed. With his friendly demeanor, charisma, charm, wit and innovative comedy, he will always aim to please! However, he does like that Craft Services has a nice crispy breakfast burrito for him in the morning … extra avocado, bacon, cheese with some veggies mixed in 😉
If you want to know more … just ask!
Your friendly neighborhood Y-Man… At your service :)”
1. You have to audition for things to be cast in them. If you were an actor you would know that, but you’re pretty clearly not, so we’ll let that one slide.
2. You cannot both carry a megaphone to scream your catchphrase into and claim that you have “charisma” and “charm” and “aim to please.” Those things are diametrically opposed to one another. It’s like Harry and Voldemort, one cannot live while the other survives.
3. If your biography includes a food order, it’s not a biography. It is a cry for help.
4. We don’t want to know more. We know enough. Thank you.
5. Hard pass on the Spiderman reference. Hard. Pass.
Then, in case we didn’t already know, Lucas The Genius actually signs the the thing himself. Dude doesn’t even have enough brains to pretend to be his own assistant. “Wisest of the wise,” my ass.
Oh, and if you thought the mini bio was the worst part, think a-fucking-gain because the real gems of this IMDB page are hidden under the “trademarks” and “personal quotes.”
Let’s deal with the trademarks first.
WhaaaaBoooom
Burgertyme
Okay so honestly I’m surprised it took us this long to get to WhaBoom, considering how much he said it in this week’s episode. Whatever. I guess you save your best stuff for last.
Secondly, he knows that this section is actually referring to official legal trademarks, right? Like, does he actually legally own the term “WhaBoom” with four a’s and 4 o’s? Was WhaaaBooom taken? Did “WhaaBoom” already belong to some cleaning company? This is like when you have some kind of basic name like “Emily Johnson” so you have to make all your email addresses [email protected]
Thirdly, what the fuck is Burgertyme? Is this supposed to be pronounced “Burger Time,” as in “time to have a hamburger?” Is a love of hamburgers another layer to Lucas’ “personality” that we’ve yet to see? Honestly, the presence of Burgertyme on this list really scares me. One catchphrase was enough. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if on top of watching him Hulk out and scream WhaaaaBooom™ every time he gets a rose, I’ll have to hear him scream BURGERTYMEEEEEEE whenever they go out to eat. Where does the madness stop?
As for the personal quotes section, I don’t even know what the fuck to say about any of them.
“Everyone is trying to find the pimple on the Golden Horse.”
…what? Like, seriously, what does this mean? Who is the Golden Horse? Why does it have a pimple? Do horses get pimples? Do horses made of gold have pores? I’m confused. When did he say this? To whom did he say it? What happens when we find the golden horse’s pimple? Do we pop it? Let it be? WE NEED ANSWERS, Y-MAN!!!
“Consistency Is What Makes YOU”
I mean, if there’s one thing we can say about Lucas it’s that he’s consistently batshit fucking nuts. So I guess this quote makes sense. It seems like something a motivational speaker would say, especially given that the use of caps lock here would imply the “YOU” is screamed. Also given what we know about Lucas, we should assume that all of this stuff is being screamed through a megaphone.
Finally, and most perplexingly, Lucas ends with “YKnot?” which I guess is a reference to Y-Man, the nickname that he clearly gave to himself. So like, when he said this, did he have to immediately explain to everyone in the vicinity that he was spelling it with a Y? How would this be conveyed verbally? Also, why did he use the spelling “knot” instead of “not?” Was he using this in a rope-related context? For example:
*Rachel tries to hang herself after being forced to spend over 30 seconds alone with Lucas*
Lucas: YKnot?
I’m sorry. That was dark. But honestly, this IMDB page put me in a dark place. Reading this shit was like binge watching all of The Handmaid’s Tale and 13 Reasons Why in the same fucking day. I feel emotionally drained.
I think the biggest takeaway here, apart from the fact that Lucas is a sad, fragile male who wrote his own IMDB bio and didn’t even do a good job, is that homeboy is here for the wrong reasons and Rachel needs to send his ass packing fast. Like, I know the producers obviously stepped in last episode to see if he and Blake the aspiring drummer will have a fist fight or whatever, but how can we pretend that a 31-year-old woman with a law degree would ever entertain the idea of romance with this walking abstinence campaign? Like, how long can such an obvious fame whore with such clear Hollywood aspirations last in this competition?
Oh wait…
