Okay, listen up, we’ve got major shit to talk. Remember yesterday how we told you Countess Luann had a sloppy-ass Christmas Eve in Palm Beach and got arrested and shit went down? Well, we’ve got all the details now, and the story is literally unbelievable. Like, as in, I had to read this shit three times to make sure I understood the storyline happening here. Buckle up, Betches.
Over the weekend, Luann was staying at the Colony Hotel in Palm Beach. Luann was registered to be in Room 327, but the drama all started when she was found Saturday night in Room 407. AKA not the room she was supposed to be in. She went into the room with a random dude who still hasn’t been identified, and a security guard found them in bed and told them they needed to leave.
After that didn’t work so well, the security guard came back with two police officers. When they arrived, mystery dude was gone (but not forgotten, RIP mystery dude), but Luann was still there with her friend Julie Olson. They were both obviously v drunk and the cops told them to leave. Julie listened like a good nicegirl, but Luann took a more dramatic route and locked herself in the bathroom. When the cops finally used a key to unlock the door, Luann slammed it in one of the officers’ faces and shoved him in the chest. Yikes.
That was enough to get arrested, and then she also yelled that she was going to fucking kill everyone as she was brought to the police station. We thought we had seen Luann at rock bottom, but this is most definitely not Countess behavior.
On Tuesday, Luann broke her silence about the incident, releasing a statement that’s peak Real Housewives drama: “This was my first time in Palm Beach since my wedding, and being here brought up long-buried emotions. I want to offer my sincere apologies to anyone I might have offended with my behavior. I am committed to a transformative and hopeful 2018.”
Okay, we’re kind of obsessed with this statement. First of all, she’s not saying she’s sorry for what she did, she’s doing that half-apology thing where you apologize if anyone was offended. Like, “Sorry you didn’t like it that I called you fat, but it wasn’t a lie.” Very high school, and I love it. Luann is also referencing her short-lived marriage to Tom, and yeah, we’re pretty triggered by that too, thanks Luann. And then she caps it off with nice vague New Years resolution, because what better time for that? Seriously, just carve this statement on my tombstone.
So Luann is facing some felony charges, but with the lawyers that she can afford, we’ll be surprised if she ends up with anything more serious than a fine and maybe some community service. Please judge, can we PLEASE get some footage of Luann in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the highway? It’s all I want in 2018.