Can you guys believe I’m back to recap a reality show where everyone except one of the couples should not be together? No, I’m not talking about Vanderpump Rules, but Love is Blind, the Netflix sensation sweeping the nation.
Vanessa and Obviously Nick Lachey are back to host and to once again prove to us that their entire presence on this show is completely useless. How many times do you think the phrase “you got ENGAGED to someone SIGHT UNSEEN regardless of LOOKS, RACE, INCOME” will be uttered? Take a shot for every time it’s said, and then meet me in the hospital immediately after the show.
Absolutely no one:
Nick & Vanessa Lachey every 16 seconds: you got engaged to someone you NEVER SAW. You’re here to PROVE if LOVE is really BLIND. This is a REVOLUTIONARY EXPERIME—
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 29, 2020
Here at the reunion are Lauren and Cam, Amber and Barnett, Jessica and Mark, Kenny and Kelly, and Diamond and Carlton. Amber has gone blonde, and I do feel like that choice better captures her chaotic energy.
Mark, Jessica, Diamond, Carlton, and Kelly are currently single, and miraculously, both couples that got married on the show are still married. I’ve got to say, I fully expected Barnett and Amber to implode by now.
Damian and Gigi are back together, which isn’t a shock really since we knew that already. It is a shock in the sense that they are extremely toxic, but whatever, it’s not my life.
First up is Kenny and Kelly. Kenny is dating someone, but Kelly is single. Since the show, Kelly’s dated one of her best friends who was at their wedding. And meanwhile, I’ve been going on year five without a man, so… somebody nominate me for season 2. Kelly says some B.S. about “growth” and her “journey” from the show or whatever, and Kenny is flexing real hard that he’s got a new girlfriend. I can’t hate the guy because I’d be doing the same thing, though.
Amber’s first comment is that she “hasn’t killed Barnett yet”, which honestly, I really thought would happen. Well, more accurately, I thought she’d pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him, but same idea.
So Gigi and Damian are “so together” (once again, methinks the lady doth protest too much). She already starts tearing up while talking about waking up next to Damian every day. Call me cynical, but I’m going to stick to my theory that they’re both actors. That was a pretty good performance, though, I’ll give them that.
Lauren and Cam, dream couple, are still married, and Mark is single, wearing less and going out more. Ya love to see it.
Barnett looks back on him leading on three girls in the pod simultaneously and has #noregrets. They never do, do they? He claims he’s “not super good with girls.”
All of us:
We know what we saw in the pod, Barnett.
Amber talks about how all the girls were together in the pod (I forgot about that part) and she and LC had an agreement that they just wouldn’t talk about Barnett to each other. Jessica, meanwhile, told Amber that Barnett was proposing (she was also holding her beloved bottle of Joel Gott red wine and slurring her words at the time, classic Messica). Amber calls Jessica sheisty for throwing herself at Barnett in Mexico. Honestly, go off sis.
Jessica admits that she didn’t take Barnett’s rejection very well (you can say that again) and apologizes to Amber. Good move Jessica, Amber won’t stab you in the heart with her stiletto heel… today. Jessica says she has no hard feelings toward Amber, to which Amber just laughs. Jessica, on second thought, you might want to sleep with one eye open.
Vanessa and Nick are so f*cking messy, asking Amber if she accepts Jessica’s apology, and then when Amber explains her thought process that she felt like she looked like a fool for being friends with Jessica, they just cut in like “okay but do you accept the apology OR NAH?”
DO YOU ACCEPT JESSICA’S APOLOGY, YES OR NO!
Like damn, let Amber speak! I know y’all want to be seen as relevant or at all integral to this show, but we didn’t come here for you.
Amber says she accepts “the intent behind the apology” but not the apology itself yet. I love that non-acceptance-acceptance, it feels straight out of the Real Housewives of Potomac.
So everyone loves Lauren (same), and Damian reminisces on how he and Lauren used to talk to each other in Star Wars voices and had a great time in the pod, and Giannina is plotting all the ways in which she could murder her and then flee the country, never to be heard from again.
Me to Lauren:
Why am I relating everything to murder in this recap? Because of who I am as a person.
We relive Carlton and Diamond’s engagement. Oh, this is gonna be awkward. I’m taking a deep breath as we revisit the Carlton/Diamond breakup in Mexico. For the record, I can see both sides. If I were Diamond, I’d be upset that Carlton had all the time in the pods to bring up his sexuality, but waited until we were engaged to reveal that to me. But on the other hand, I can obviously understand why Carlton would be hesitant to share that information. And if Diamond didn’t have a problem with his sexuality in the first place, then the revelation probably would not have been a big deal, even with the timing.
Wow, I almost forgot how Carlton told Diamond to watch her wig. A truly iconic reality TV moment.
Carlton cries and expresses regret for not talking to Diamond earlier. I can’t tell if I would be happy if these two got back together. Their fight was explosive, but they were kinda cute in the pods?
Okay, never mind, Diamond says that she would never be back with Carlton because of the way he disrespected her during their fight.
Obviously, Nick is like, “I think what I’m hearing from both of you is that you both regret being messy af during that fight.” Yeah dude, we’ve spent the last 10 minutes saying exactly that.
Then Carlton gets up, says he’s NOT PROPOSING, kneels down with a ring box, to… apologize and give Diamond the ring back? Damn, Love is Blind has a higher budget than The Bachelor if Carlton is allowed to keep the ring. In The Bachelor, they have to be married for 2 years or else that shit goes back to Neil Lane.
Vanessa: OMG, I’m speechless.
Ok, stay that way! We didn’t come here for y’all!
Next up is the Damian and Gigi show, where Gigi claims she didn’t go into the pods with a pre-planned idea of proposing to Damian. Sure, Jan. Sure.
They’re still dating, but not living together, which is actually… a sensible thing to do? I’m actually shocked.
Watching the clip back of Gigi giving Damian his “bow” back, he starts tearing up. Can somebody call LA and get this guy an acting gig!? He cries and apologizes for putting her through the embarrassment of getting left at the altar on TV, but says he’d do it again because they’re in a better place now.
Okay, Gigi acknowledges that she self-sabotages (take a drink, because just like SIGHT UNSEEN is Nick and Vanessa’s catchphrase, self-sabotage is hers), and admitted that she blew up in non-productive ways. HA! To all you who doubted me in the comments of my other article, I say, HA!
And, she starts crying… ok, we get it, I’m convinced… of y’all’s acting skills. Just kidding, I’m sure they really love each other! I just can’t imagine watching that toxic tornado of a relationship on screen and thinking, “yeah, let’s totally give this another round.” These two really prove that love is blind, and also, unhealthy.
Vanessa is literally Lauren B. from The Bachelor, being like “I love that” to everything everybody says.
Vanessa: I love your love.
Me, audibly at my desk: Ew.
Now it’s time to talk about Kelly and Kenny, or as my friend put it, “the boring couple who I can’t believe didn’t get married in the end.” I do feel like they totally pulled a bait-and-switch on us, acting totally stable until the bitter end.
Kenny says all the takeaways he learned from the show, he applied to his new relationship. So he and his new gf only talk to each other through a wall! Just kidding, he’s learned to be vulnerable and whatever. Next.
Vanessa: I’ll say it: Kenny for President
Vanessa, we have enough white men in the race. We’re good.
Kelly immediately starts crying, and no wonder, because she’s gotten a lot of hate even though she says she and Kenny agreed to not get married beforehand. She says she loved Kenny but she wasn’t in love with him, and she wanted to continue dating but Kenny was like “nah, I’m good”. Ouch.
Kelly is all of us, admitting she’s friend-zoned all the good guys that she should probably be marrying. I’ll say it: Kelly for President! F*ck you, Vanessa.
Nick and Vanessa: Amber and Barnett, how’s married life been?
Barnett: Well, I live every day in constant fear that she’ll castrate me, so it’s a wild ride for sure.
I want to know if Amber has gotten a job, or at least a credit limit above $700? No shade, but I feel like a 12-year-old could get a higher credit limit than that. (Ok, maybe some shade.)
Amber admits that at one point she’d called a divorce lawyer, but they somehow made it through to the other side (maybe Amber realized she didn’t have enough money for a divorce?).
Finally, it’s what everyone’s been waiting for: The Hot Mess Jess Express. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed to see Contrite Jessica. She’s recognizing she drank too much, admitting she was working through a lot of issues that caused her to say wild sh*t, apologizing to Mark for implying he’s not good-looking. Of course, I’m happy for her and her growth, but who’s bringing the drama this reunion? I guess I’ll have to take one for the team and do it *downs an entire bottle of Malbec* let’s go.
Mark, true sensitive king, doesn’t throw Jessica under the bus, and still calls her a “phenomenal woman.” My exes wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, how do I get a Mark in my life?
Mark does admit that he wishes Jessica had told him that she still had feelings for Barnett, and Jessica blames it on the fact that she was served whiskey. LMAO! There she is! I’m going to start saying “Well, I was served whiskey” any time someone calls me out for doing something crazy when drunk. Girl, I don’t think that’s how it works.
There’s honestly no real need to recap the Lauren and Cameron love story. They’re happy, we’re happy, everyone’s happy. They have a puppy, so they’re officially goals.
Vanessa: We got a fur baby, and we were committing to what we’d be like as parents.
For the last time, Vanessa! This isn’t about you!
Cameron is such a cutie, talking about Lauren’s dad and crying. Cool, now I’m crying. I didn’t ask for this. They are the cutest, and if they ever break up I’ll have to take a week off work.
Lmao now Vanessa is crying. You know what girl, I’ll give you this one. Go ahead, cry it out.
Vanessa: Nick and I always said, this was a social experiment. This was a love experiment. But ultimately, your feelings were real.
Lol, acting as if they themselves designed the experiment instead of just popped up every time they were contractually obligated to give the same speech about LOVE BEING TRULY BLIND. Listen Netflix, on Love is Blind season 2, we don’t want a host. It’s not necessary. If you’re going to have a host, get Michelle Buteau from The Circle to make snarky remarks about everyone every 3 seconds. Otherwise, don’t bother.
And after going around the room and saying what everybody learned from the experience like this is f*cking summer camp, Vanessa has everyone raise their hands if they believe (get your drink ready) that love is really blind. Of course, everybody raises their hand. And with that, I leave you… to go apply for Love is Blind season 2. See you in the pods!
Images: Netflix; Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter