Another day, another powerful white Hollywood male named as a gross sexual predator. At this point, we should really just copy and paste any of the other articles we’ve published on this topic and replace the name with whatever celeb is currently holding the title of (Alleged) Douchebag of the Week, because I’m getting really tired of talking about the same disappointing shit over and over. The most recent holder of said title is Louis C.K.—that comedian you know from HBO’s Louie, his guest stint on Parks and Rec, or the standup specials every guy who thinks he knows something about comedy made you sit through. Anyway, you’d better strap in because this one is a fucking doozy.
According to an article in the New York Times, five different women have come forward with allegations that C.K. decided—in a completely non-sexual environment—that it would be appropriate to whip his di.C.K. out and start rubbing one out in front of them. Now, if a guy has ever tried jerking off in front of you, you probably already know that nothing about this scenario is sexy. I’ve had boyfriends do it, I’ve had homeless guys on the subway do it, and let me tell ya, it’s pretty much never a good look. It’s like the 3-D version of an unsolicited dick pic. Did I ask for this? No. Am I soooo grateful and wildly turned on now that I’ve received it? Still no.
Two of the women claim that Louis C.K. asked if he could whip it out, while they were hanging in his hotel room at a comedy festival, and then proceeded to get completely naked and choke his chicken (ew, sorry). Another woman called C.K. to invite him to her comedy show, and could allegedly hear the unmistakable primal grunts and heavy breathing of a man getting his rocks off (no, you’re right. I’ll stop with the cringey euphemisms). The comedian asked a producer on a TV pilot, where he was a guest star, if she would allow him to masturbate in front of her. She declined because, duh. The fifth woman reportedly remembers feeling unsure and disturbed, but ultimately complying with Louis’ request to yank his wanker in his office while she watched (OK I’M DONE, I PROMISE).
The premiere of his new film I Love You Daddy, the heartwarming story of that time I set my age range to 40, was abruptly cancelled following the release of these accusations. Now, I’m no film expert, but I find it hard to believe there was no producer who read the script, which centers on an inappropriate courtship between a film exec and an underage girl, and thought, “There’s something creepy and red-flaggy about this guy but I just…can’t…place it…”
While he did not physically touch the women or force himself upon them, it is important to remember that this behavior still counts as a form of sexual misconduct. Abusing one’s power to justify lewd behavior that puts someone in an uncomfortable position is unequivocally fucked up. And comedy writing/funny masturbation terminologies aside, these women now join the ranks of the countless brave individuals who have risked backlash and judgment to come forward in an effort to end the egregious abuse of power by Hollywood predators. Thank you ladies, for fighting the good fight. We hear you.
So there you have it. Louis C.K. is officially cancelled. Honestly, why don’t we just preemptively cancel all men in Hollywood while we’re ahead? From now on, Hollywood is officially a girls club. If you wanna be my lover, ya gotta not sexually assault my friends.
Update: Louis C.K. has since confirmed the allegations in a statement, stating “These stories are true…At the time, I said to myself what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you hae power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them. The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.” Hmm…I mean, that’s a better statement than “I don’t know her” *cough*Ed Westwick*cough* or “But the NRA!” *giantcough*Harvey Weinstein*giantcough*, but I’m also not sure I buy the argument “I didn’t realize asking women if they wanted to look at my penis in a professional setting was wrong,” as an excuse. Sorry Louis, but you’re still cancelled until further notice.
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