They Made a Menstrual Cup That Will LIke, Talk To You and Shit

Have you ever looked at the bloody contents left on your pad or tampon and wondered what it all means in regards to your health? Aside from you surviving another fetus-free month, I mean. No? Neither have most people, I feel like—but that didn't stop the makers of the LOONCUP from trying to create “the world's first smart menstrual cup.” Because girls who wear menstrual cups aren't fanatical enough about them as it is, somebody had to go make a technologically advanced one. Question: if you met a vegan that wore a menstrual cup, which would she talk about first?


Anywho, the LOONCUP  would like you to think of it as, “your monthly period partner, a good friend who drops by when you need her, helping you feel better yourself, and making sure you take care of your body during this special time,” which is the perfect description to make anybody sane never want to give these people their money. Like, sure, periods are less than ideal but at a certain point it just becomes a kinda gross thing you have to deal with; are there women out there who are really expecting to fall in love their period? Aside from the fact that their marketing department is obviously comprised of the writers of the screenplay for The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants, the LOONCUP is getting a good amount of buzz right now because it does a whole bunch of shit and I can't decide if it's low-key cool or totally unnecessary.

What does it do? Glad you asked. It measures the volume of liquid in the cup (gross) and sends you reminders for when to take it out (useful, I'll concede), it tracks your period (there's an app for that), and it will also analyze the color of your blood and tell you if you need to go see a doctor (what). How it does all that, I have no fucking clue. Magic? Bluetooth? Probably Bluetooth.

Oh, you know what's also in there? A sensor, a battery, and a fucking antenna. Part of me wants to break out my tinfoil hat and shout to the world that keeping an electronic device literally inside your vagina for hours on end can't be good for you. It just can't. Like, what if I get caught in a lightning storm and all of a sudden the LOONCUP starts picking up other people's thoughts and then I can read minds like in Braceface (bracevagina? vaginaface?)? These are real concerns that I don't feel have been adequately addressed by LOONCUP or their Kickstarter page.

Yes, the LOONCUP is an interesting idea (not a great name, though)—I'll give it that. I may have never wanted my period collection device to be able to analyze the color of my menstruation, but OK, it does something that nothing else does right now. I get that. I can't lie, even with a Nice Girl product description I would still probably try one if I got it for free or like, as a (very strange) gift or something. Would I go out and pledge $35 to the Kickstarter to be able to receive my very own LOONCUP after production in January 2016? It's tempting because I have a morbid curiosity and propensity towards doing things strictly for the story value, but realistically speaking I don't even buy tampons until day 2 of my period so there's no way I'm planning this far ahead. And also, I've already spent my “things I spent too much money on that I never needed or even wanted in the first place” budget on a color-changing shower head and a glass flask shaped like a pistol. Oh well.


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