The Lindsay on OWN finale aired last night and for the first one hour and 55 minutes of the two hour special I was either tuning out or angrily pondering how I got convinced into returning to watch the extremely boring special about Lindsay’s unsuccessful struggle with remaining sober post rehab. Let’s took at the two part ending of our final glimpse of the life and boring times of Linday Lohan.
The episode starts with Lindsay shooting a Funny Or Die sketch where she and Billy beat the shit out of a car which is somehow “objectively funny” according to the director (it’s not, trust us). Lindsay predictably doesn’t show up to her 1 pm shoot until three and the director giggles as he says that he’s going to send another text that will go unanswered. I assume the giggling is part of the extreme joy that this is the most free publicity his video will ever get.
By now Lindsay’s mindset when it comes to anything she has scheduled is very predictable. It’s sort of impressive that anyone works with her on anything when it’s clear that when given a time for any appointment she’ll show up two hours later without telling anyone she’s running late and then when she gets there say something along the lines of having a chest cold/needing personal space/taking an unusually large shit this morning/etc.. Then everyone will cheer because she arrived and she’ll think it’s NBD and do the exact same thing the next week.
Next, Linday discusses the struggle of staying sober amid the harsh realities of life as a celebrity and I almost tear up as she tells her sad, sad anecdotes about all the stress in her life:
On packing for Art Basel: “The packing process for me is difficult because like I over pack and if someone’s packing for me I like doing it myself because I like things folded a certain way so like it can be stressful.”
On hair extensions: “When you get hair extensions put in, the process of that takes about 45 minutes to an hour and 15 so that’s stressful. It’s only like $1200 so it’s like really expensive but so worth it.”
Paris Hilton’s brother Barron gets punched in the face after Lindsay hears that Barron Hilton was talking shit about her in Miami. “Because I had been in the house a few days prior my name was involved and it is what it is.” NOTED.
Lindsay then does some more community service with inner city kids which she ‘loves doing’ but clearly not enough to stop bitching about it. “I still have to do community service and you know I’m just kind of hoping that after all these years maybe they’ll kind of say that enough is enough and just let it go.” THERE’S NO FREQUENT FLYER DISCOUNTS FOR DUIs LINDSAY.
I then have to watch a boring 20 minute prep for Lindsay to introduce Miley Cyrus at Jingle Ball.
On Miley Cyrus not wanting to meet with her before she announces her at Jingle Ball “Well she should at least respond to my tweets!”
“I wasn’t paid. I didn’t do it for money. I did it because I love people.” – That’s why we all introduce Miley, Linds. Let’s call a spade a spade, you did it because you had legit nothing else to do.
Lindsay then gets photographed for the cover of Nylon Singpore by Carrot Top and then goes to a literary agent to discuss selling her memoirs: “If I could help someone else by putting my words on paper that would be great.” That’s exactly what everyone’s looking for in a book by Lindsay Lohan – a guide to living the best life you can.
Blah blah blah more boring shit at Sundance which no one gives a shit about.
OH YES FINALLY A RIVETING CLIFFHANGER! LINDSAY HAS TO MOVE AGAIN! I guess with that kind of plot line pitch for season 2 it's no wonder this didn’t get renewed.
Really though, it's so funny how everyone on this show tries so hard to not say that Linday is a fuck up.
Her brother: She's trying to stay sober. If she doesn't she still has hope.
Oprah/Life Coach AJ/sober coach: Yeah Lindsay's doing okay. It's hard to stay sober.
Personal Assistant Matt: We've had some ups and downs. I can't say anything because of confidentiality.
The biggest issue with this show is that no one will be like “Lindsay is totally not self-aware and is in no way going to improve because she takes responbility for exactly ZERO shit that she does wrong.” I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
FINALLY we see Lindsay give her take on the recap where she airs the BIG SECRET of the finale, which is that during her two weeks of not showing up to shooting or giving anyone notice, she was actually dealing with a miscarriage. Seriously, this is such bullshit. She’s either totally lying, actually had an abortion, or was so fucked up on a drug/alcohol bender that she actually killed her unborn fetus which she probs didn't know she had until she lost it. REALLY does personal assistant Matt not know how to make sure Lindsay takes her birth control? Because if I’m Lindsay Lohan’s assistant the number one thing on my agenda would be making sure this bitch doesn’t reproduce.
Lindsay also talks about her sex list which she blames on one of her rehab program steps that made her write down her sex partners. Really though, your Betty Ford book was scribbled on a Scattegories playing sheet?
In predictable Lindsay fashion, she reflects on her experience on the show and getting sober with self pity and excuses. When I watched the show I cried many times. It was weird it was like I wasn’t watching myself but I was thinking, ‘This is really sad? Who’s helping her?” Then we end with some wise words by Lindsay about the proper way to really change your life. “I did a cleanse. I worked with a shaman.” That’ll do Lindsay, that’ll do.