In 2019, my main goal was to only surround myself with things that bring me joy. That means boys who actually text me back, lots of pizza, and most importantly, Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram. I’ve always been a major fan of Lindsay Lohan’s work, but honestly, her Instagram these last few months might be her greatest piece of performance art yet. I’m not sure what’s going on in Lindsay’s personal life right now, but her Instagram is truly unhinged. I’ve gone through some of her most bewildering posts twice before, and honestly, things have just gotten weirder since then. Buckle up for round three of analyzing Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram.
Let’s kick things off with Lindsay’s most recent post. Oh, you know, just a casual selfie of Lindsay side-by-side with Ariel from The Little Mermaid. The selfie is so grainy that I’m convinced it was taken on a Samsung Galaxy from 2011, but that’s pretty much par for the course from Lindsay. What’s really puzzling here is the caption:
“Who knew that the #metgala would become a @marvel moment!”
As you probably noticed, neither of the images above have anything to do with either the Met Gala or Marvel. Last I checked, Lindsay Lohan was not invited to the Met Gala this year, and Ariel is not an Avenger. Actually, I’m not entirely sure about Ariel, I stopped caring about Marvel movies in like, 2011. In the photo, Lindsay tagged both MAC Cosmetics (no clue) and MY30MINUTES, a Dubai-based personal training company. Lindsay has been spending her time in Dubai recently, and it seems like she’s gotten close with her trainer, given this next post…
In case you can’t see past the horrible Instagram filter, that’s Lindsay Lohan in the car with her sister Ali, her brother Mike, and—you guessed it—her trainer. Using my best Insta stalking skills, I’m pretty sure that the trainer’s name is Moe Ali, and he has less than 500 followers. I’m dying to know more about his relationship with Lindsay, and whether she’s getting um, special private instruction from him. Hopefully we’ll get to meet him on season two of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.
This brings us to my favorite recent grainy selfie of Lindsay’s. I mean, this is really a work of art. Take a moment to soak it all in, then let’s unpack.
Got it? Good. So we’ve got Lindsay lying in bed, smoking a cigarette (bad!), about to kiss a stuffed animal pig (I think). I mean, what a work of art. And again, Lindsay just killed it with the caption, wondering “What would #elizabethtaylor do if she had Instagram?” I often wonder the same thing! I’m sure Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at this Instagram and asking herself “What?” or “Why?” Never forget Lindsay Lohan’s award-losing performance as Liz Taylor in the classic film Liz & Dick.
Me waiting for the clock to hit 5pm so I can finally leave work:
When Lindsay’s not posting grainy selfies and videos of herself, she also enjoys posting inspirational messages.
Well, I’m not sure if this is supposed to be inspirational. Actually, I have no f*cking clue what this means, and I feel like Lindsay doesn’t know either. Does Lindsay Lohan think she’s a lamp? Does she feel like she’s truly a lamp stuck inside Lindsay Lohan’s body? Are we lamp, or are we dancer? I have many questions, and that’s without even thinking about the eyes emoji that she used as a caption. Is she throwing shade at someone? That wasn’t supposed to be a lamp joke, but I’m really losing my mind over here.
That was a lot to get through, so let’s recap the most important points: Lindsay Lohan is a lamp, Ariel is an Avenger, and Moe the personal trainer is sexy as hell. Glad we’re all on the same page now. Meet back here in a couple months to see what Lindsay has been up to on the ‘Gram? Summer is just heating up, and I’m sure she’ll be providing us with some prime content from Mykonos once again.
Images: Shutterstock; @lindsaylohan / Instagram (4); Giphy