While betches are known for their
endless supply of crazy boundless creativity, we’re also lazy as fuck and occasionally want guidance on how to best ruin the lives of those around us achieve our goals. Enter the canon of on-screen how-to guides on peak betch behavior: think Summer Roberts, Blair Waldorf, and now, Stassi Schroeder. These women, while completely unhinged admittedly flawed, are true innovators in the world of scheming, looking hot, and generally getting your way. As a recent convert to the cult of Stassi (all hail leader of earth), I’m here to share some of the most important things I’ve learned.
On Saying Sorry
milder forms of psychopath lesser beings have embraced the saying “act first and apologize later.” Stassi, as per usual, takes things one step further: act first and apologize never. If backed into a corner about slapping people or stealing their phones her latest actions, she exclusively addresses her own emotions and/or current needs until people give up on getting any admission of guilt. Apologies are for people who want it on record that they’ve done something wrong—Stassi Schroeder has no interest in belonging to that category.
On Dressing For Success
Stassi’s outfit takedowns are magnificent. Not only are they spot-on and deeply mean, they basically skip past the outfit entirely and go straight for character assassination. A bad outfit isn’t just an aesthetic failure; it’s a reason to discredit anything that comes out of that person’s mouth.
Scheana: **shows up in a turban**
Stassi: you’re wearing that, you lost already
Stassi’s also big on using clothing as another way to establish her dominance, like when she designates one of Sur’s uniform colors as “hers,” or when she half-jokingly uninvites Kristina from her birthday for looking too good in every bikini she tries on. Only one can be the best-dressed betch; be proactive like Stassi and make sure it’s you.
On Showing Weakness
Stassi Schroeder, like all betches worth studying, is like
a tiger lion whatever animal is at the top of a given food chain and attacks wounded animals. She surrounds herself with success, not failure, and she has no time for your dead weight.
Scheana: **picks up her crutches to go**
Stassi: hobble away bitch
This attitude is both fear-inspiring for those hoping to appeal to her sympathy (sorry, Stassi’s sympathy can’t come to the phone right now), and saves her the nuisance of doing things like listening to other people’s problems. When Jax called Stassi about a “cancer scare” and she responded by calling him a fucking idiot and throwing out all his protein powder, do you think he was tempted to call her from his sickbed again? No, he was not. You don’t approach Stassi from a place of weakness unless you’re looking to be destroyed—not to complain about your cheating boyfriend, not to whine about your struggle to launch a sweater line, and certainly not to discuss your “recovery” from oral surgery.
Finally, Stassi is the queen of constantly drinking without getting shit for it from her friends. This could have something to do with the fact that she’s
a high-functioning alcoholic refused to ever address it (see above), or just that she’s so batshit sober you can’t tell the difference. Either way, the phrases “workplace” or “9am” don’t have their usual “probs shouldn’t get wasted” connotations when it comes to Stassi, and she manages to do shit like carry around mini wine bottles in her purse without her friends voicing any concern. If I so much as chug a bottle of wine at my desk suggest Monday night cocktails, I get a judgmental text about “getting up early for SoulCycle,” so I’m personally very impressed with Stassi on this front. In drinking and in life (is there really a difference?), Stassi is the unapologetic, fearsome betch you always dreamed of being. You’re welcome for the starter pack.