To our future kids and citizens of the Kardashian States of America,
We want to express our sincerest apologies for the dystopia you live in today. We feel responsible for this, because believe it or not, there used to be a time when the Overlord Kris and her 5,000 grandchildren didn’t rule the Earth. It’s shocking, we know, but we’ll do our best to explain.
A very long time ago, back in the ancient 1970s, Kris was just a nobody flight attendant, until she married a wealthy lawyer named Robert. They had four children together, who you know as Queens Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé, plus another one named Rob, who they killed off several years ago. Their family became famous when Robert Sr. successfully defended a murderer in court, which seems extremely ominous now that we think about it.
Anyway, Kris grew the dynasty by remarrying Olympic athlete Caitlyn Jenner (known at the time as Bruce), and having two more children: Princesses Kendall and Kylie. All the siblings helped cement the family as celebrity trash gold by starring in several iterations of a reality show called Keeping Up With the Kardashians, fucking a lot of rappers, and making a few sex tapes. It was all just fun and games at the time, but it got out of control a few years later, when they continued fucking rappers and spawning more and more children faster than we could keep track of.
We’ll admit that we let this happen by religiously watching their lives and enjoying every minute of it. We followed their love triangle clusterfuck, and were genuinely curious about everything from their lip and butt injections to what was in their salads. But how were we supposed to know that this was just the tip of the iceberg? We thought Kanye 2020 was a joke at first.
So please accept our condolences for the fact that solid food is now illegal, and you have to say the Pledge of Allegiance to Kylie in the morning at school. We feel especially sorry that Caitlyn put her face over the Lincoln Memorial, but we’re not sorry that Taylor Swift has been permanently exiled. Since we can’t undo the damage that’s already been done, it looks like we’re stuck dealing with the royal family for the long run. And yes, this is why all of your names start with “K.”
Oops. Our bad,