Let's Get This Bread: Your Autumn 2018 Career Horoscope

Calling all boss babes: Tis the season to stop playing the victim and get to work. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. No, but really, how else do you expect to high-level splurge on Black Friday this year? Cuffing season or no cuffing season, no f*ckboy is about to buy you that lambskin tote bag you fell head over heels for at Barneys last week, okay? Oh, and call me a negative Nancy, but are you really looking to get cuffed? Or are you shamelessly on the prowl, trying to find your very own Daddy Warbucks? Get it together, betch. It’s time to get that bread. These are your autumn 2018 career horoscopes.


We know, Aries. Anything we can do, you can do better. Granted, you’ve really stepped up your game this season. Plus, with the help of gold-digging Venus, sliding backwards through your eighth house of other people’s money, and matchmaking seventh of connections later in November, you may or may not suddenly run into an ex-colleague—or let’s be real, a future business partner—just moments after spilling your iced latte all over your blouse. Alright, I’m kidding, although, with ruthless Saturn and power-hungry Pluto hard at work in your tenth house of career and CEO dreams, you’re due for a new career move.


Guess what! Your queen-of-the-plastics ruling planet goes direct on Nov. 16, so if you haven’t been feeling like yourself these days, things should start falling into place. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to schmooze your little heart out while Venus hangs out in your seventh house of connections and make small talk. Even better: on Halloween, gold-digging Venus will slide into Libra and your sixth house of work and daily grind. Granted, everyone knows you’re not about the “grind,” per se. On the contrary, you much rather chill in your bathtub with a sparkling glass of rosé, and call it a night; however, life’s not fair. Pending work project? Now is the time to pick up where you left off.


Look at you! Channeling the boss betch twin, are we? Well, at least one of us is doing the work! Venus is retrograde in your detail-oriented sixth house of work work work, and you’ve got your CEO boots on, Gemini. Sadly, your sh*t-talking ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde the same day Venus gets her ass up and goes direct, so don’t make any important business deals—and for the love of God, don’t you dare gossip with your coworkers, because big brother will be watching. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. On a brighter note, party animal Jupiter slides in your match-making seventh house on Nov. 8 for the next 13 months. Are you ready to mingle?


Working hard or barely getting by? Almighty Jupiter, the planet of luck, expansion, and all things over-the-top, stomps his way into your practical sixth house of day-to-day grind on Nov. 8, bringing you some much-needed luck in the work department. Stop crying, Cancer. Have you figured out WTF you want to do with your life yet? Baking Halloween cookies for your work besties isn’t going to cut it this time. Oh, and Venus is currently doing the moonwalk through your fifth house of creativity, so don’t be afraid to showcase whatever you’ve got up your sleeve. The show must go on, betch.


Having second thoughts about your job, Leo? Who cares if everyone at work worships the ground you walk on; what if it’s time to move on? Besides, Jupiter will soon make its grand entrance in your center-of-attention fifth house on Nov. 8, and well, long story short, the spotlight will be on you for the next 13 months. Dreams really do come true, don’t they? However, don’t get too excited just yet. You’ve got some unfinished business to deal with, all thanks to Mercury retrograde. Hate to break it to you, but the messenger planet will be moving backward through this area of your chart until Dec. 6. Tread lightly.


Take a chill pill, Virgo. We all know you’re at 100 mph, but for once, it actually isn’t your fault. Shocker, right? Truth is, rambunctious Mars is running amuck in your practical sixth house of day-to-day routine, so at least now you have something to blame for your stress, right? In the meantime, don’t be afraid to look in the mirror and remember who the f*ck you are. Venus will retrograde through the area of your chart related to finances and self-worth, starting on Halloween through Nov. 16. In other words, stop putting everyone’s needs before yours. Your ruling planet Mercury will station retrograde that same day through Dec. 6, so make sure you don’t make any last-minute commitments during this time.


Stop lying to yourself, Libra. You’re a hot mess express, all thanks to your shopaholic ruling planet Venus. That betch is hella retrograde in the Michael Myers realm of bad sh*t Scorpio, and will soon back it up into your sign on Halloween. You’re at the office, but you’re O-O-O AF. So, tell your boss you’re taking a personal day, and for the record, don’t head to the salon for a makeover. The planet of beauty is not her typical self, and neither are you. Your must-have makeover will not end well. In the meantime, go ahead and turn up your zen flow work tunes, and hope for the best.


Hello darkness, my old friend. Don’t stop hustling, Scorpio. Know-it-all Jupiter will enter Sagittarius, and your second house of money on Nov. 8, and you will be golden. Granted, you’re bored AF with your current work situation, but you need to stop being a negative Nancy and give it time. You do realize you are your own worst enemy, right? Maybe if you would stop looking at WebMD articles and alien invasion videos on YouTube while you work, then perhaps you might see a shift in your professional life, don’t you think?


Your life is about to change, Sagittarius. Your lucky AF ruling planet slides into your sign on Nov. 8, and the next 13 months will be as lucky as ever. However, make sure you take your almighty language down a couple of notches, as Mercury will soon retrograde through your sign. Oh, and I know you’re a champion at procrastinating, but I wouldn’t be putting off those work deadlines if I were you. There’s a time and a place for everything, and your shmoozing charms aren’t going to cut it with your boss this time. No funny business, at least until Dec. 6. Capeesh?


Can’t catch a break, Capricorn? Well, you can start by mingling with the right crew, as Venus is currently retrograde in your eleventh house of networking. Shocking truths coming to light in the workplace? Perhaps. But your big reputation will be just fine. In fact, that betch Venus slides into your ambitious tenth house of CEO dreams on Halloween, so take it easy with the sexy costume selfies. Your boss is watching. 


WTF do you think you’re doing? Everyone knows you’ve got the hots for your boss. This is exactly what happens when you play on the job. Oh, and it really doesn’t help that you’ve got Venus retro all up in your work biz. The planet of “look at me, look at me,” is traveling backward through your ambitious tenth house of career, and for the record, Venus in Scorpio loves drama. How about you focus on your pending projects instead? Enough is enough, Aquarius. Oh, and warrior Mars leaves your sign on Nov. 15, so good luck fighting your own battles!


Are you ready for your dreamy debut, Pisces? Your lost-in-translation Peter Pan days are over as of Nov. 8, considering Jupiter will now enter your ambitious tenth house of career and destiny in the world. WTF does this mean? Well, for starters, no more second-guessing, and please for God’s sake, no more endless nights of partying and sloppy hookups. It’s time to be an adult. Oh, and aggressive Mars, the planet of war and energy, enters your sign on Nov. 16, so now you really don’t have an excuse. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve got this.

Images: Annie Spratt / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Valerie Mesa
Valerie Mesa
Valerie is an astrologer, writer and third-generation witch. Her favorite things to write about are mysticism and sex; the Moon is her muse.