Lentils: For The Crunchy Betch

We’ve talked about quinoa and farro and all that grain shit, but we haven’t explored the super exciting world of lentils. I know you’re all like, “lentils?! Wtf am I supposed to do with lentils.” Calm. Lentils are super good for you and fill you up fast for like, very few calories. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES.

First of all, people have been eating lentils since betches lived in caves. There are tons of types – from the small and dainty French green lentils to the yellow lentils and the masoor lentil. Depending on the type, you’ll cook them anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes.

Another fun fact: lentils have the third-highest level of protein, by weight, of any legume or nut after soybeans and hemp (who the fuck eats hemp?). They’re also super inexpensive, have lots of folate (good if for some sick reason you want to reproduce), and vitamin B1. So, basically, you don't actually need to ingest high quantities of meat AND you'll seem super animal friendly for this one meal.

So blah blah blah here’s an amazing recipe we've adapted and made better through trial, error, and alcohol using the dainty French green lentil that you can eat hot, cold, or in between.


  • 1 cup French green lentils, uncooked (obvious, but I know some of you are quicker than others)
  • 2 bay leaves
  • 3 sprigs fresh thyme
  • 2 tbsps extra virgin olive oil
  • 1 medium red onion, diced
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
  • ½ cup goat cheese, crumbled (about 4 oz … if you don't like goat cheese, use feta or gtfo)
  • ¼ cup walnuts, toasted (fuck your nut allergy)
  • Coarse salt and fresh cracked black pepper

In a saucepan, combine the lentils, bay leaves, and thyme. Cover with about 1 and 1/3 cups water and bring to a boil before reducing the heat to a simmer. You can also use vegetable or chicken stock for more flavor, but obviously the culinary-gifted of us already fucking knew that. Simmer for about 30-40 minutes uncovered – until all the liquid is absorbed. If the liquid isn’t totes gone, just drain it off, duh.

Meanwhile, heat the olive oil in a sauté pan and throw in the onion – cooking until soft. Then add the garlic and don’t  let that shit burn. Deglaze the pan with the balsamic vinegar (as in, pour it in, let it all sizzle and steam, then keep mixing all the shit around). Once the lentils are done cooking, add them to the pan. Season the whole mixture with salt and pepper then add the walnuts and the cheese. Serve warm with artisan bread and wine, obviously. So chic.


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