Author and professional body odor enthusiast Lena Dunham has a piece in The New Yorker, the #1 website for Fancy People. It’s called “Dog or my Jewish Boyfriend? A Quiz,” and it’s Lena Dunham at her zany best, drilling down to the essence of pop culture and the millennial generation with her trademark acerbic wit. Just kidding – it’s Lena Dunham being racist as fuck, using stereotypes to compare her dog to her Jewish boyfriend, whom she doesn’t seem to like very much.
I’m not Jewish, but many Betches very much are, from their toes all the way to the very distant ends of their noses (that’s how you make a good Jewish joke, Lena), so they'll naturally find this pretty offensive. I don’t know if I can rightfully say I’m offended by it, but I can tell it’s fucking terrible because I have eyes and a tenuous grasp of the English language. Is Lena Dunham fit to own a dog? Does Lena Dunham have some deeply-seated insecurities that she needs to confront? Let’s find out!
8. I feel that he is judgmental about the food I serve him. When I make something from scratch, he doesn’t want to eat it, but he also rejects most store-bought dinners.
9. This is because he comes from a culture in which mothers focus every ounce of their attention on their offspring and don’t acknowledge their own need for independence as women. They are sucked dry by their children, who ultimately leave them as soon as they find suitable mates.
Have you considered the fact that you’re a shitty cook and that buying ingredients from farm co-ops or whatever the fuck doesn’t automatically make for good food? Did you literally just reduce an entire culture of women down to a dog suckling her puppies? Good thing Jewish mothers everywhere have you to remind them of their need for independence as women, you terrible fucking pile of boogers.
12. At our local organic bistro, he will often leave three-quarters of his salmon fillet untouched, offering no explanation and offending the waiter, who will ask balefully, “Was it undercooked?”
Why the fuck would you take a dog to an organic bistro, and why the fuck would you order a dog an entre from the menu? Do you know how much shit goes into even “healthy” restaurant foods? Eating restaurant food is not good for dogs, just like hearing Lena Dunham speak is not good for anyone.
13. He doesn’t tip.
14. And he never brings his wallet anywhere.
Haha, get it? It’s because dogs don’t even have wallets, and Jewish people are stingy! That’s a good joke you made, Lena Dunham.
24. Every week it’s some new health issue: urine crystals, sprained foot, beef allergy.
Jewish men are whiny hypochondriacs, you see. Probably has something to do with their dependent Jewish mothers, or something.
I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing, though the entire paragraph she wrote for #33 about her boyfriend (or her dog) being friendly with her more attractive friend (I know, redundant when talking about Lena Dunham) is worth mentioning. Instead, I think my efforts would be better directed towards a qiz of my own. It’s called “A Dog, or Lena Dunham?” Look for it in the next issue of The New Yorker:
- She smells bad all the time, but its worse when she gets wet.
- Feeling sexual attraction to her is not only impossible, but disgusting and unnatural.
- Her thoughts and opinions aren’t very insightful, and aren’t worth acknowledging.
- She gets way too much praise for doing unremarkable things.
- She looks silly in clothes.
- She thinks that I should give my restaurant food to the dog.
- Her speech amounts to unintelligible noise, but you can tell there’s intent behind it.
- She has a constant, childlike need for attention and approval.
- She is incapable of understanding subtlety.
- I have never seen her interact with a black person, to the point where I’m getting suspicious.
Answer Key: 1. Lena Dunham 2. Lena Dunham 3. Lena Dunham 4. Lena Dunham 5. Lena Dunham 6. Lena Dunham 7. Lena Dunham 8. Lena Dunham 9. Lena Dunham 10. Lena Dunham
I don’t own a dog.