*Leaked* Supreme Court Justices Group Chat

Obviously, the justices of the Supreme Court have a group chat. It doesn’t matter that they all hate each other. Group chats are not predicated on genuine affection — see also: family group chats. The Supreme Court group chat is a simple matter of practicality. How else do they let the other justices know they’re stuck in traffic and running late to the hearing about whether or not North Carolina has to allow voting? Or ask if anyone has the special Tide pen to get stains out of their robes? 

The Supreme Court is known for their leaks (among other things, see also: them being huge turds). And Betches was lucky enough to get a transcript of the very very very real and definitely not made up Supreme Court group chat on Saturday, July 1st. 

July 1, 2023

John Roberts: Summer recess! So, what’s everybody up to this weekend?

Brett Kavanaugh: Just throwing a BBQ. Like usual.

Samuel Alito: I’ll be there! 

Neil Gorsuch: Same!

Amy Coney Barrett: Ugh, I’d love to come, but I have like seven or eight or possibly nine kids to deal with.

Clarence Thomas: I’m taking a trip that I can’t say more about, but if I’m back in time, count me in. But I don’t know when I’ll be back. I can’t say more.

Amy Coney Barrett: Trip to where?

Clarence Thomas: I can’t say more. It’s under $60,000. Don’t ask. I can’t say more.

Samuel Alito: Don’t ask me about any of my trips, either. But I will be at the BBQ.

Brett Kavanaugh: I actually wasn’t issuing invitations, I was just answering the question…

John Roberts: I guess what I meant is…what’s everybody else up to this weekend?

Four hour pause.

Sonia Sotomayor: I have no words

Elena Kagan: Literally none.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I’m worded out.

Sonia Sotomayor: Disgusted.

Elena Kagan: Ashamed.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Heartbroken.

Sonia Sotomayor: I guess I’ll just spend the summer recess with my head in a pillow, wondering how anyone who’s ever read the Constitution could believe that abortion rights belong solely to the states, while colleges can’t make their own decisions on affirmative action. And don’t even get me started on Stewart the fictional man. And student loans! Clarence — Harlan Crow could pay for Biden’s loan forgiveness out-of-pocket if he sold half his Nazi memorabilia. 

Clarence Thomas: Wait, how’d you know I was going to his house this weekend?

Elena Kagan: We didn’t.

Clarence Thomas: Okay, well, I’m not.

Samuel Alito: Neither am I.

John Roberts: Ladies, I know you’re upset, but remember — the way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discrimination on the basis of race.

Twenty minute pause.

Sonia Sotomayor: That didn’t sound any less stupid than the first time you said it.

John Roberts: I was hoping maybe the pause was the three of you really chewing on it.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I’m embarrassed to be part of this court. Something needs to change.

Neil Gorsuch: You can’t be suggesting court-packing?

Brett Kavanaugh: Some parts of this court are already packed *winky emoji*

Five minute pause.

Brett Kavanaugh: Come on! No one’s even gonna thumbs up it?!

Three people “thumbs down” both of Brett Kavanaugh’s texts. Which three, we do not know — but we can guess.

Elena Kagan: I’m done with this chat. 

Brett Kavanaugh: But who will you borrow a Tide pen from if you need to get stains out of your robes?


Elena Kagan has left the group chat.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, we’ll miss her, I just want to say, as the only lady on the winning team, it can get lonely. So Sonia and Ketanji, I’m really happy you’re still here. Sisterhood is bigger than partisan politics, and what matters is that we — as women — stick together. Women supporting women. Women who have each other’s backs. Women who don’t let silly issues like reproductive freedoms affect their friendship. Girl power! Lean in!!!

Ketanji Brown Jackson and Sonia Sotomayor have left the chat.

Brett Kavanaugh: Personally, I feel a little more at ease without them. I mean, they’re so judgy.

John Roberts: Well, they are professional judges.

Neil Gorsuch: Professional? This job barely pays. Unless you’re Clarence or Sam.

Amy Coney Barrett: g2g. I have like 14 kids to deal with. Xo

Amy Coney Barrett has left the chat.

Neil Gorsuch: Boys night at Brett’s?

Four thumbs up on the message.

Brett Kavanaugh: I didn’t invite you….

Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."