Last Call To Ruin 2018: Weekend Horoscopes For Dec. 7-9

Mercury is FINALLY out of retrograde meaning you can resume your normal life. On the other hand, this means that any problems you have currently are your own fault and not the influence of the stars. Then again, Mercury is in retrograde so often you could probably get away with lying and saying it still is. Do you.


The limit does not exist! This weekend is all about excess for you, Aries, so live it the f*ck up. Take that extra shot (you know—the one that might kill you), dance on that table (even though it’s wobbly AF), and hook up with that hot guy (even though he lives with his mom). Just be careful not to get too invested in any of the wild sh*t you get up to this weekend. You’re probs gonna wanna block it all out come Monday.


Stop. Step away from the to-do list. Put the f*cking pen down. Stop making that vision board, and chill for a f*cking sec. I know that’s not your strong suit, Taurus, but this is not the time to be making any plans or personal decisions. You’re not in the right headspace. Take this weekend to just relax and be in the now. Go on a walk or some sh*t. Leave the planning for next week.


You’re in the mood to clean your entire f*cking apartment this week Gemini, and you have to honor that. I mean, when else are you going to be in the mood to reorganize your closet or actually clean your bathroom? Just because you’re staying in to clean doesn’t mean you can’t make it fun. Buy yourself a nice bottle of wine, bump some holiday tunes, and get your space in order for the new year. 2019 will be like, so, so grateful.


PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. DO NOT POST THAT THIRST TRAP. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR NIPPLE (or, if they do, they can request to see it privately). Mercury has put you in a very weird place, leaving you in danger of some serious TMI this weekend. Enlist a buddy at the bar to make sure that you don’t start telling your entire life story (including the time you got diarrhea on the Ferris wheel) to every new person you meet. The urge will be strong, but friends can help you overcome.


This weekend is all about comfort for you, Leo, and that’s totally fine. Put one of those Youtube videos of a crackling fire, crank your space heater up to “sauna”, and pop on a holiday movie. Feel free to invite friends to your comfort fest, but I assure you, you’ll be just as happy eating ice cream and watching The Princess Switch alone.


You’re in an extremely b*tchy mood this weekend, Virgo. I’m not saying you’re wrong (Ashley was being super f*cking annoying at brunch last week), but you might want to keep some of that saltiness to yourself. If you’re absolutely bursting to go off on someone this weekend, text those thoughts to the few people who aren’t pissing you off right now and get it off of your chest, safely. As the old saying goes, if you don’t have something nice to say, put it in the group chat.


Sorry Libra, but your finances are a mess. Extravagant Christmas gifts plus endless holiday parties have put you in the red at least until the new year. For this weekend, drink the alcohol you already have at your house (you know, the secret stash) and placate your desire to online shop by putting things in your cart, but not actually purchasing them. It’s almost the same. Almost…


You’re feeling the urge to cuff up this cuffing season, Scorpio, but don’t let that blind you to obvious red flags. Yes, seeing holiday couples doing holiday bullsh*t (aka “getting engaged”) can make you feel lonely, but that doesn’t mean you should fire up the old phone and hit up that Hinge guy again. You know, the one who ate with his mouth open and never asked you a single question. Being alone is better than being with him. Trust me.


Mercury’s retrograde was really hard on you, Sagittarius, but now it’s time to recover. Let go of whatever old drama you’ve been clinging to lately and let bygones be bygones. I mean, I’m not saying you have to un-mute the person on Insta, but maybe you don’t have to subtweet them quite as much. Baby steps…


Repeat after me, Capricorn: no. new. projects. Sure helping some girl you just met at the bar move across the country to start a candle making business sounds fun during midnight tequila shots, but it probs won’t seem as good of an idea on Sunday morning. Deposits on moving-vans are hard to get back. This weekend push any attempt at plan-making to the side by saying, “OMG that sounds so fun! Let’s talk about it in the new year!” and then ghosting until 2020.


I regret to inform you that you’re going to have even less impulse control than usual this weekend, Aquarius. Honestly, at this point, you should just embrace it. Send a mass text to everyone you’ve ever met saying you’re not responsible for anything you do this weekend and then go f*cking off. If anyone calls you out just be like, “sorry! It’s my astrological destiny to be a mess right now!” Just remember that excuse probs won’t work when dealing with the police.


Here’s a radical idea, Pisces. Why don’t you get started on some of those 2019 goals…now? Crazy, I know, but you’re so full of motivated energy why wait to start that new fitness routine, or commit to an elimination diet? Come January all those motivated feelings might be gone, and you’ll be wishing you’d committed to meal prepping when you actually felt excited to do so.

Images: Teddy Kelley/Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.