kardashians

‘KUWTK’ Ended Not With A Bang, But With A Creaky Whine

By Courtney Young | June 11, 2021
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My plans for Thursday night were set in stone and secret. My roommate was out for the night, and I had the place to myself. I was to pour some red wine, turn down the lights, wrap myself in my Pete Davidson blanket, and sob to the finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. No one would know. How would they know?  

My phone buzzed, and to my horror, it was my editor. In my most vulnerable state, she asked, “Do you have any thoughts on the end of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’?” I knew what I had to do. I’ve poked fun at Demi Lovato, David Dobrik, Chet Hanks, and Piers Morgan, and now my greatest challenge was ahead of me. The time has come for me to make fun of the Kardashians. 

 I’ve watched Keeping Up since Kim had her old nose, Scott dressed like a rich Republican, and Kylie’s preteen body matched mine—absolutely unimaginable today. I’d love to dismiss the famous family and shout “eat the rich,” but it’s the dolls we have to thank for oversized salads, athleisure, and vocal fry. Since 2007, they’ve taught us how to lie about our BBLs, snack without using our lips, and create Oreo centerpieces.  

We have so many beautiful memories together. Remember when Kris slipped viagra in Caitlyn’s martini, but Rob drank it? Remember when Kim leaked Kourtney’s underage nudes and called the FBI? Remember when Kourtney pulled her baby out of her own vagina? Remember ‘Kim Kardashian Hollywood’ the game? 

The Kardashians redefined culture, sparking conversations around the influencer economy and inspiring semester-long collegiate courses, but in the last few years, Keeping Up has lost its steam. Family feuds and cheating scandals aside, the Kardashians have become increasingly tight-lipped and selective about what they share on the show. As a result, the last few years of content have had all of us shouting, “go on, girl, give us nothing.” 

It’s hard to say precisely where the enchantment wore off. It could be when they seemingly gave Kanye creative control, and all the confessionals turned beige. It could be when Kourtney and Scott broke up for good, giving him the green light to publicly date college freshmen. It could be when Khloé became the spokesperson for a migraine medication. It could have been last week, when the family of billionaires thanked Vrbo for sponsoring their Tahoe vacation. In the wake of the series finale, I’m most thankful to Vrbo for getting the f*ck out and letting me mourn in peace.

 Admittedly, not everything borne of the Kardashian influence has made us better. We can thank the famous sisters for the newest iteration of the body image warfare we face today, waist trainer-induced asthma, and the exploitation of Black women’s aesthetics. I patiently await the impending collegiate study on American speech patterns before and after the Kardashian reign. 

I’ll miss my guilty pleasure, but more importantly, I’ll miss the tea. Since the start, the Kardashians have used the show to speak on subjects that they usually wouldn’t in the media. It was on the show that we saw honest conversations about the Jordyn Woods cheating scandal, Kim’s near-death robbery experience in Paris, and Scott’s recent outing at a rehab facility. Last year, when the world watched Kanye melt down during his run for president, fans shamelessly hoped to watch the drama unfold on E! Kim’s decision not to discuss in detail the breakdown of her marriage on the show coupled with Kourtney’s growing privacy concerns meant the end of an era for pop culture. Khloé Kardashian, the world’s original favorite, can’t carry the show with just her photoshop scandals and tendency to be cheated on for sport. 

 As E! closes the book on our Royal Family, I can admit that my relationship with the show has had legitimate effects on my perception of reality. I once pinned a photo of Kim’s engagement ring to my secret Pinterest board, as if the ring that fueled a five-person armed robbery would ever sit on my finger. (Don’t ever speak of the Pinterest board again.) I once saw the annual Christmas Eve party photos and took note of their event planner’s name as I sat in my fifth-floor walk-up apartment I shared with a mouse. (Her name is Mindy Weiss.) I’ve purchased Kylie Lip Kits, Skims underwear, and fake Yeezy sweatshirts. I’ve given the dolls fourteen years of my life, and last night I said farewell andABCDEFG.”

After a decade and a half, here’s where we left the sisters. (Of course, you won’t miss them too much. By the end of this article, your social algorithm will surely send a Kardashian to the top of your feed.)

Kim learned that she failed her second attempt at the baby bar—granted, she did take the hours-long exam with a case of COVID and a failing marriage. Her new goal? Finding her happiness and a partner who can stand to live in the same state as her. 

Kourtney and Scott will continue their co-parenting journey, pretending to eye-roll when people suggest they hook up. Immediately following shooting, Kourtney slipped into her fishnets and tattooed “poosh” onto Travis Barker’s shaft.

Khloé is building a house in Boston, where she will live with Tristan and True when the family is not in LA. Her and True’s pharmaceutical ad aired during the commercial break, and after a long and winding road, she ended up where she started: brunette. 

Keeping Up With The Kardashians ushered in a new era of reality television. The family changed the face of pop culture forever, giving many of us weekly routines, careers, and reasons to live. So, with heavy hearts and improved self-esteem, we close with scripture. 

Maybe if you HAD a fucking business that you were passionate about, then you would know what it takes to run a fucking business, but you DON’T.” – KKW 15:1

Image: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

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