It’s a momentous day. It appears as though, finally, Kris Humphries’ NDA has expired, and he was allowed to speak about his marriage to Kim Kardashian for what feels like the first time. Is it the actual first time ever? Probably not, but I don’t have the time or patience to go down that rabbit hole of disappointment. In case you’re one of those people who pretends to be too cool to know who the Kardashians are, allow me to give you a quick refresher: Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian were famously married for 72 days. They were dating less than a year before Kris popped the question, which I just feel is indicative of things to come. (And yes, full shade at Justin Bieber, Nick Jonas, and every other celebrity out here getting engaged after knowing his girlfriend for less time than I’ve had sinus infections.) Today, Kris published some sort of
sad handwritten book essay on a site called The Players Tribune. The essay cleared up a few things. Number one, Kris Humphries is indeed literate—or at the very least, his ghostwriter is. Number two, he did not marry Kim Kardashian for the fame. And boom goes the dynamite.
Just kidding, in all seriousness, I am not one of those people who thinks that any professional athlete is getting with a Kardashian for added value. A rapper? Sure, they need any publicity they can get. (Even though I think Travis Scott was doing just fine on his own with his Grammy nominations… but whatever. That’s an article for another time.) But someone whose job is dependent on a combination of athleticism and the ability to perform under pressure? Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and say that they do not need any additional scrutiny. I never really thought that Kris Humphries married Kim Kardashian for the fame itself. But did I think their marriage was a sham? I mean, yeah. Pretty much. Seems like, if you’re getting divorced less than four months after getting married, at least one of you knew going into the wedding that things weren’t going to last. Still, I was obviously interested in what Kris Humphries had to say in his rambling essay that is part career retrospective, part allusion to his failed marriage. To save you all the trouble and the clicks, I’ve gone through the most significant parts of his essay (there weren’t many).
The irony of my career is that I finally figured out what kind of player I was when I got to the Nets. I was going to try to grab 10 boards a game and shut up. I wasn’t The Guy. I was a grinder. I felt like I knew who I was, finally.
I don’t know anything about sports, and I won’t pretend that I didn’t just skim over the highlights of Kris’s actual career and go straight to the parts that referenced Kim Kardashian. Oh wait, that’s kind of a metaphor for his entire NBA tenure, isn’t it?
And then I met a girl who happened to be really famous, and I got married, and.…. Damn.
“I’m just a boy, who married a girl, in one of the most famous families in the country, standing here, asking you to take me seriously as an athlete and a writer.” To borrow from Kris, damn.
Look, I should have known what I was getting into. I was definitely naive about how much my life was going to change. But the one thing that really bothers me is whenever people say that my marriage was fake.
There’s definitely a lot about that world that is not entirely real. But our actual relationship was 100% real. When it was clear that it wasn’t working … what can I say? It sucked. It’s never easy to go through the embarrassment of something like that — with your friends, with your family…. But when it plays out so publicly, in front of the world, it’s a whole other level. It was brutal.
Okay, Kris. I did my digging, and this is pretty f*cking rich of you to claim that your marriage was real, when you your very self were insisting the marriage was a fraud!! If you don’t know WTF I’m talking about, grab your mugs. (Because I’m gonna spill the tea, get it? No? Ok, you’re right, that’s not a thing.) After Kim Kardashian filed for divorce on October 31, 2011—no doubt putting a damper on her and Kris’s couples Halloween costume that year—Kris fired back, seeking an annulment rather than a divorce. He did so on the grounds that their 72-day marriage was based on fraud, with Kim seeking only to boost ratings for her reality show. And now, about a bajillion years after the fact, he wants to come out, when nobody is even asking, to insist that his relationship and marriage were real? Honestly, I just feel like men are not sending us their best people.
Kris Humphries: My marriage was totally real, you guys.
I didn’t know how to handle it, because I never thought I was going to be famous in that way. I remember having this moment when I was getting booed so hard in Philly, and I thought to myself, “Why exactly are they booing me, though? Is it just because I’m That Guy from TV? Do they think I was trying to be famous? Is it because they think I disrespected the game of basketball?”
I can’t speak for the integrity of basketball, but I don’t know, Kris, maybe the fans were booing you because they thought you basically accusing your ex-wife of being a famewhore when she was more famous than you was in poor taste? I’m just spitballing here. I wasn’t there. I can’t say for sure. Maybe they really did think your mere association to Kim Kardashian besmirched the good name of the sport. Honestly, I’ve seen men say worse, so I could go either way on that point.
There were so many times when I was in a gas station just buying a water or something, and the cashier would give me a look, and I could just feel it coming.
“Hey, are you … That Guy?”
And I’d say, “Ha! Nah, I just look like him.”
Or I’d say, “Nah, I’m Blake Griffin. People get us confused.”
That is especially funny, considering Kendall Jenner dated Blake Griffin for about a year. Oh, Kris! You just can’t escape the Kardashian connection, can you?
Even now, since I’ve stepped away from the game, I’m trying to stay under the radar and work on a new phase of my life. I’ve been developing some business ventures with a little inspiration from the legend himself.
Oh boy. Let’s see what we’ve got.
It’s been its own special kind of grind, but through a lot of hard work, I’m actually about to open 7 Crisp & Green restaurants across the midwest, and I’ve already opened 10 Five Guys franchises and counting.
A lot to unpack here. I didn’t want to Google “What is Crisp & Green”, but I did, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Anybody else think it’s funny that Crisp & Green is basically a salad place… like the one Kim and her sisters might frequent?? But more importantly, Kris Humphries is franchising Five Guys? Where are they located, and can I visit one? Can I have my wedding at one (too soon)? I mean, I believed it, until Kris Humphries insisted, “Yeah, bro. Believe it. BURGERS.” Like, okay! I’ll go to a Five Guys and buy your greasy burgers. Geez.
Burgers, bro. BURGERS. Is this what you can expect out of life after a professional basketball career? Talking about your ex nine years after your breakup and franchising a burger chain and a couple salad restaurants?
I think I’ll stick to blogging.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)