Kourtney Kardashian Is Trying To Teach Her Followers How To Eat Apples

It’s been several months since Kourtney Kardashian launched her Goop knockoff lifestyle website, Poosh, and I’ll be honest, I haven’t really kept up with it. Sorry, but my personal self-care routine doesn’t include taking advice from someone who put up with Scott Disick’s bullsh*t for that long. But Poosh has kept on going, and today I randomly decided to take a look at what content Kourt has been putting out lately. Surprisingly, I was not that impressed with what I found! But like, not in a good way.

Along with some questionable pseudoscience, Kourtney’s site is full of all the lame beauty, food, and ~wellness~ content you’d expect. Amid tips on the best “clean-ish bronzers” and an article in which Kourtney chose her own perfume as her “Pick of the Week,” one piece on Poosh stood out to me as especially non-life-changing. Let’s discuss Poosh‘s groundbreaking work of journalism, “3 Ways to Enjoy Sliced Apples This Fall.” I can already smell the Pulitzer Prize.

Don’t be fooled by the article’s classification as a “Recipe,” because there is absolutely no cooking going on here. In fact, there aren’t even any instructions on how to slice the apples. While the article claims that you get more flavor if you “strategically slice” an apple, there’s no reference to the actual strategy here. Right off the bat, I feel cheated. Kourtney, you gave us your legendary technique for eating a Kit Kat, and I need the same level of instructions for how to slice an apple!

Within the first paragraph, it becomes apparent that this article is sponsored by an apple brand called Envy Apples. I guess I never really realized that there were different brands of apples, other than the fact that golden delicious apples are trash. Come for me in the comments, see if I care. In the article, the “experts” at Envy Apples are quoted as saying, “When eating an apple by the slice, a person tastes more of the sweet flesh than skin, and tastes the flesh first, which emphasizes the flavor in the experience.” Personally, I  prefer biting into a whole apple like an animal, but whatever, it’s not that deep.

Here’s one of the (blurry AF) photos that Envy Apples provided for the article, and the apples aren’t even sliced! I really feel like we’re getting mixed signals here.

Let’s get to the three ways that sliced apples are going to change your life. Guys, are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready.

First, we have “A deconstructed version of a Waldorf salad.” The Poosh article neglects to explain what a normal Waldorf salad is, so let me explain for us uncultured swine who can’t remember every fancy salad by name. A normal Waldorf salad consists of chopped apples, grapes, walnuts, and celery, all mixed with mayonnaise. Not really for me, but it’s a classic. According to the Poosh article, you should “make the apple slices the hero of the salad instead of hiding them among other ingredients.” Um, I’m not exactly sure what they want us to do here. Am I supposed to just eat a plate of apple slices with grapes and a whole stalk of celery? Do I just arrange all those items separately on a plate, and dip the ingredients in the mayonnaise (vom)? There is not enough information here. But upon further examination, do I even want more information?

The second idea is “Rethinking the cheeseboard.” You guessed it—Kourt wants you to put apple slices with cheese. Revolutionary concept, nobody’s done that before. Here’s the entire description: “Rather than apple slices being left out or put to the side, highlight the spectacularly sweet flavor of Envy apple slices by placing them among your favorite artisanal cheeses.” I’m literally getting dumber reading this. God forbid that apple slices get left out!  This actually could have been a decent suggestion if they had included some specific cheeses that pair well with the apple slices (off the top of my head, cheddar), or maybe a jelly or dip to go along with them, but no. Just place them on the board, and you’re done!

And moving right along, the third tip in the article might actually be the most underwhelming one, which is saying something. You’ve probably never thought of this, but you can “Replace unhealthy chips with apple slices.” Omg, SUCH a good idea! But honestly, this barely even counts as an idea. At least the other two involved pairing the apple slices with other foods, but this one is just… eating apple slices. Telling me that I can’t have chips isn’t going to make me enjoy the apple slices more, it’s just going to make me depressed.

So, in short, Kourtney Kardashian’s three revolutionary ways to enjoy sliced apples this fall are all… just eating sliced apples. Personally, I’ll never be the same after reading this article, and I really hope that Envy Apples feels like they got their money’s worth out of this sponsorship deal. How will you be enjoying sliced apples this fall? Do you prefer your apples whole? Let us know in the comments! But actually, lmk if you want me to roast more Poosh content, because I’m telling you, this whole website is a treasure trove.

Images: Shutterstock; envyapples (2) / Instagram

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.