Hi friends. Today we interrupt our regular analysis of wtf is going on with Kylie Jenner’s pregnancy, and instead bring you an analysis of wtf is going on with Kim Kardashian’s Instagram. In case you only follow meme accounts, Kim spent her Monday posting half a dozen photos of herself in various states of nudity, and we need some answers.
First of all, Kim is back to having cornrows in her hair with some beads on the end, which we thought it had been established that white people aren’t allowed to do anymore. No, Monica, not even when you’re on vacation. When Perez Hilton posted a pic of the hair, our favorite messy queen Lindsay Lohan commented saying “I am confused.” It’s really unclear how Lindsay thought she belonged in this interaction, but even messier queen Kimberly Kardashian West clapped back with one of the best digs we’ve ever heard: “you know what’s confusing…..your sudden foreign accent.” BOOM ROASTED.
Now that we’ve dealt with the LiLo drama, back to Kim’s thotting. The most interesting of the photos features Kim wearing some high-cut white panties (circa 1997?), a huge brown fur coat, and absolutely nothing else. Kim’s exposed nipple is tastefully blurred, but you don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to do the math and figure out what’s under there. Hint: it’s a nipple. Somebody has to be the one to personally test the boundaries of Instagram’s nudity policy, and Kim is out here doing the Lord’s work.
Other photos include Kim looking at some polaroids with her ass in the air, Kim talking on a landline (what is that), and Kim lounging on a bed while she stares at her boobs in a mirror.
In the last picture, a video camera is clearly visible on the bed, which makes us really think that Kim and Kanye might be making a sex tape. It’s tough times, and they obviously need the extra income. Having three kids is expensive, and they might not have been prepared for that undertaking. Or maybe the video camera has secret footage of Kylie being the surrogate, and Kim was just taking some sexy pics before destroying the memory card forever. Or maybe Kim was just feeling her look and didn’t clean up her dingy-looking hotel room before taking pics of herself.
The above explanations are inadequate, though, because this is the Kardashians we’re talking about. Nothing they ever do is random, and nothing they do is for free. I have a theory that, as far as I can tell, nobody else is talking about. In this entire photo series, only two of Kim’s photos have captions. One is the aforementioned landline pic, and the caption says, “Hi, can I get zero fucks please, thanks.” Clever, Kim. But the other one is a straight-on picture of Kim in a button-down henley. The shirt exposes her cleavage, but otherwise the photo is pretty tame. So why include this picture in an otherwise overt display of partial nudity? Check the caption: “BO WEST”. Kim even used that same caption when she uploaded the picture to Twitter. But who is Bo West? Well, some say that it’s a nod to Bo Derek, a 1970s actress who famously sported the same type of braid in the romantic comedy, 10. But I have another explanation, so grab your tinfoil hats.
Six days ago and fresh off the heels of her third pregnancy, PEOPLE reported that Kim Kardashian was already thinking about a fourth baby and considering using a surrogate again. So who else could Bo West be? KIM AND KANYE’S FOURTH CHILD. Just think about it. If you write the name with just the first initial, it’s “B. West,” like “be a West”, like some sort of family creed. But if you take away one letter, it becomes “B.est”. You know who thinks he’s the best? Kanye. I think I’m done here.
Whatever is really going on here, we feel like we’re owed some explanation for Kim suddenly posting her grainy-ass nudes all over Instagram. Please Kim, give us the info and also please tell us how your body looks like that.