It’s been a nice few days without Kim Kardashian and Kanye West dominating the news cycle, but those 72 hours of peace are over. Somewhere in Trump Tower, The Donald is angrily punching away at his keyboard and zoning in on his next Twitter target so he’ll be popular again. Anyway, I guess rumors have been swirling for a while that Kim and Kanye are trying for a third kid, because now Kim has basically all but confirmed the rumors. In a trailer for next week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim said she wants to have a third child. Whether or not this is legit or just an attention grab, it seems reasonable to report on this soundbite as if it’s indisputable fact. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. No, YOU’RE fake news!
The trailer gets right to the point pretty quickly. “I’m gonna try to have one more baby,” Kim says. To which Khloé’s immediate facial response is:
Incidentally that was the same face I made when this guy I met on Bumble texted me saying he was “enjoying the rain and grateful for being alive.” True Life: I narrowly avoided a meeting with a serial killer.
Kris, who you would think would be overjoyed for a third
money grab grandchild, made the following face, which you can interpret as you wish:
Honestly this is me when I say something that even I recognize was too savage.
“I want my kids to have siblings,” Kim says. “The doctors don’t feel like it’s safe for me,” which cuts to Kim lying in bed and Kris saying to her, “I don’t want you to do something that would put you in danger.” Which makes sense considering Kim has gone through two high risk pregnancies at this point. Although there have been rumors that she would use a surrogate for her third pregnancy. I hope she goes the Frank Buffay route and chooses one of her own sisters to carry her child, although I’m
secretly outwardly campaigning for Blac Chyna to be Kim’s surrogate. Let’s just fuck this family up as much as possible.
Anyway, since it’s definitely, without a doubt happening that Kim and Kanye are having baby number three, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a few baby names. Kim, if you’re reading this—or more accurately, Jon Cheban, if you’re reading this, kindly pass this list off to Kim. Please and thank you.
1. Bishop — We’ve got to keep going with the whole clergy theme. What’s higher than a saint? A bishop, at least I think. I saw The DaVinci Code once, I think I’ve got down the Catholic church pecking order down.
2. Gawd — Why stop at Bishop when you can go all the way up to the top and quite literally name your kid after the man upstairs? I doubt Kanye would let anyone but himself be referred to as God, but I think Gawd would fall under the realm of acceptable names.
3. Jesus — If Kanye is a god (which, he has to be since he’s said it in one of his songs), then Kanye’s son would naturally have to be Jesus. Duh.
4. Kaine — It starts with a K, it’s got some Biblical undertones, and the Kardashians don’t seem like they’d be the kind of people who remember that Caine was the bad one. Plus it sounds a lot like “King” and with both of those children running around in the house, things could get very confusing and I’d live to see that. I might even turn on KUWTK to see that.
5. Kassle — Pronounced “Castle.” No real reason for this; there was a kid in my class at college named Kassle and it seemed like a cool name to have. Yes, we were all high. RIP to Kassle’s DMs.