I Find Khloé Kardashian's Baby Registry Personally Insulting

Thankfully I don’t know anything about this yet, but having a baby is obviously a very stressful time. There’s a lot to think about, but thankfully Khloé Kardashian has an Amazon baby registry so she won’t forget anything important. The registry is part of a paid promotion with Amazon, but it’s still pretty hilarious to imagine Khloé having to beg people online to buy her an $11 container of nipple butter. I really love that Amazon values the Khloé’s opinions enough to pay her, because now I feel like Amazon and I are on the same page. Someone at Amazon Khloé and Kourtney came up with a list of 63 items, because apparently you have to buy a lot of shit before having a baby. Grab your scuba masks, because we’re about to take a deep dive into Khloé Kardashian’s baby registry.

Khloé Kardashian’s baby registry is split up into 10 different categories, spanning fun topics like diapering and feeding. Remind me to never have a baby, okay? A lot of the items are simple, affordable necessities (like $12 diapers and some basic bath towels), which is honestly just an insult to my intelligence if they expect me to believe Khloé Kardashian needs her fans to spend their hard-earned $12 on her. There are also plenty of more luxurious items on the list. One eye-opening suggestion is a $179 machine that looks exactly like a Keurig, except it only makes baby formula. That’s um…not nearly as fun as a Keurig. You know your life is over when you’re trading in coffee for baby formula.

Khloé, who loves talking about how she has OCD, also wants you to buy a $500 Dyson air purifier and a $700 Dyson vacuum, which just seems extremely unnecessary. Obviously you should do your best to keep the baby’s environment clean, but come on. Your kid isn’t going to be able to breathe pure oxygen for their entire life, so you might as well introduce them to pollution early.

Khloé and Kourtney provide little quotes to go along with each section, which really just demonstrate how far removed from reality these ladies are. On the topic of bathing, Khloé says she is “so looking forward to the routine of winding my daughter down with a warm bath and getting cozy for bedtime.” Cut to a montage of Khloé, sweaty and covered in baby food, desperately trying to get her daughter to stop crying and go to sleep. Kourtney, who has lots of mommy experience, recommends a $175 co-sleeping dock, which she says she discovered when Penelope was born. If this sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie, don’t worry, I had to Google it too. Sure, everyone likes sleeping with their baby, but the price tag on this glorified life raft is less than relatable.

Another theme of Khloé Kardashian’s baby registry is books. So many books! There are 10 different books on the list, including one written by Jimmy Fallon. Kourtney says you can never have too many books, which is true unless you don’t happen to live in a giant Calabasas mansion with 17 different storage closets. If you hadn’t noticed, Khloé and Kourtney might not have the most realistic perspective on raising a newborn baby. (Or reading books, tbh.)

Khloé’s baby will probably be here within a few weeks, so she better hope someone buys her this shit real quick. Otherwise, her little baby girl might have to go without her bath pipes toy set, which would really be a tragedy. Oh wait, Khloé Kardashian can afford to buy everything on this list without even thinking twice. The total list costs around $6,000, which is like $2 in Kardashian money. I can confidently say that not a single person on this earth other than Khloé Kardashian herself needs to contribute to this registry. On that note, I’m about to go to Starbucks and spend three minutes agonizing over whether or not I can justify splurging on a grande. I’m basically a Kardashian!

Images: @khloekardashian / Instagram; Giphy; Amazon

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.