Khloé Kardashian Gives Birth To 57-Year-Old Woman Named Karen

Following the longest pregnancy in recorded medical history, Khloé Kardashian has finally given birth in Cleveland, according to sources close to the reality star. Pregnancy experts around the world were puzzled and concerned by the length of her gestation period, but we’re told that her 57-year-old newborn was delivered without a hitch. As she had previously announced, Kardashian decided to give birth in Cleveland, and the medical staff at the world-renowned Cleveland Clinic had their hands full with this special delivery. While most were expecting an infant child somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 lbs., Kardashian instead birthed a fully-grown woman named Karen, who has already secured a job in HR at a local law firm.

Karen, who is the heaviest baby ever delivered at 143lbs, was reportedly speaking within minutes of being born, mostly in outdated cliches and figures of speech, and once to ask for a manager. Speaking to a local television station, Karen remarked, “Well, you know, the second I came outta there, I just felt like a bull in a china shop! I’m just happy as a clam to be out here in the world, but I am still trying to figure out what exactly is a ‘Kardashian’?”

As is the case with many middle-aged women across the country, Karen seemed unsure of why everyone was so interested in her family. “Is my Aunt Kim a politician? A movie star? Geez, there were so many cameras at the hospital, don’t all these people have anything better to do?”

Mommy and Daddy ???? @sashasamsonova

A post shared by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

We reached out to family matriarch Kris Jenner, who was overjoyed at the exciting news. “Khloé has been waiting decades to be a mom, and I’m just so proud of her. I’m also super, super excited to have another lady over 50 around. We’re gonna have so many wine nights, it’s unreal!” Jenner has yet to meet Karen due to her refusal to set foot in Ohio, but she’s sure they’ll hit it off right away. The rest of the Kardashian family shared Kris’ excitement over the new arrival, with the notable exception of Kylie. “I just, like, why does she have wrinkles?” she remarked. “What are those? We should definitely get her some botox ASAP, that’s so not cute.”

As for Khloé Kardashian, she and her partner Tristan Thompson are planning on staying in Cleveland for the time being. “While Karen is getting settled in at her job, it’s really important that we create a nurturing environment for her,” Kardashian said. “I don’t have personal experience with ‘jobs,’ but I’ve heard they can be stressful, and it’s not easy to start a new career in your 50s.” Thompson couldn’t be reached for comment, but Khloé Kardashian assured us that he’s thrilled with the new arrival, and not at all concerned that Karen is “the whitest woman in the world.”

We’re all eager to learn more about Karen Kardashian-Thompson, but don’t expect to see her on E! anytime soon. “Ya know, reality TV just sounds like a big waste of time. I found this old show called Cheers, and someone told me that there are over 250 episodes. I’ll probably just stick to that.”

Images: Shutterstock; @khloekardashian / Instagram

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.