Khloé Kardashian Is Having A Boy And This Is What She Should Name Him

Yesterday we mentioned that Khloé Kardashian may be expecting a boy. At the time, the only person reporting this was USWeekly which, much like your friend during a blackout, is not always the most reliable source. Now, this same news is being reported by People, aka the friend-who-can-inexplicably-hold-their-liquor-in-all-circumstances of celebrity gossip mags, and it is much more credible. So I guess it’s a boy for Khloé Kardashian and Tristan Thompson. Now we must move onto the most important q: What are they going to name him? Being that they are celebrities, I’m assuming normal names like “Stephen” or “Jeff” are totally off the table, though I do love the idea of a Jeff Kardashian. He’d probably grow up to be an accountant, move to the midwest, and start going by Jeffrey Kardash or something.

Is Jeff my new favorite Kardashian? Perhaps. Anyway, here are some other routes Khloé can take for naming her child if the whole Jeff thing doesn’t pan out:


EX: Kristopher Kardashian, Krumble Kardashian, Kremlin Kardashian, Twitter Thompson, Thimble Tompson, Thompson Thompson

You’d think an alliterative name would be a no-brainer for a Kardashian, but this is actually a little tricky given Khloé’s current sitch. Given that both father and mother’s names are alliterative, how will they choose between TT and KK? The two are not married, so the baby’s last name is kind of up for grabs. Also like, babies can just have their mom’s last names now. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. Of course, they could split the diff and have his initials be KT or TK, but giving up a branding opportunity is not usually in the Kardashians’ wheelhouse. Also, most of the Kardashians have opted to not go the KK route, so I guess it all depends on how much Khloé wants to suck up to Kris keep the family tradition alive.

World Play/Rhyming

EX: Sebastian Kardashian, Fabian Kardashian, Tom Thompson, Thomp S. Thompson (the S stands for “Son”)

Not really sure how this one would work with the last name options “Kardashian” and “Thompson,” but they could always go the North West route and name their baby something “fun.” I personally think it’s kind of fucked up to treat your child’s birth certificate like a mad lib, but whatever. The baby is going to be rich af so I don’t think having a crazy-ass name will hurt him.

Something Vintage

EX: Ichabod Kardashian, Phinneas Kardashian, Rupert Thompson, Eugene Thompson

Naming your baby after a character from a book you didn’t read in high school is like, all the rage amongst celebrities and hipsters these days. I mean, babies are basically tiny old people anyway, so why not name them something that suggests they’re 95 and not 5 months old? Most Kardashians have opted not to go this route, though you could argue that Penelope was kind of over as a name until Kourtney and Scott brought it back. Maybe Khloé could go back in her ancestry and find an old name that would suit her son. “Orenthal James” could work. “OJ” for short!

Just A Random-Ass Word

EX: Water Bottle Kardashian, Café Kardashian, Xanax Kardashian, Tomato Kardashian, Rock Thompson, Laptop Thompson

If I was a betting woman (I’m not because I have no money), I’d bet that Khloé will go this route, mainly because it’s what all her sisters, her brother, and literally every celebrity have done for the past 10 years. The formula is simple. You pick a random word that is not a name, and then you write that word on your child’s birth certificate. Voilà! It is now a name! For more examples of this, see: Dream Kardashian, Saint West, Reign Disick, Apple Martin, Blue Ivy Carter, etc…etc…etc…

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.