Gather ’round now, children, and listen to my latest Kardashian theory. We have “known” Khloé and Kylie have reportedly been pregnant for a while now, but we can’t officially say so, because nothing has been confirmed by the Kardashian family. Many of us thought Khloé and Kylie would announce their pregnancies on December 23rd, when their baby bumps would be revealed to the world in the Kardashian Kristmas Kard (sidenote: it really should be spelled that way). The Kardashians been dropping bits and pieces of it like a GAP-sponsored advent calendar, so we all prepared for the inevitable moment when, on the last day, Khloé and Kylie’s pregnancies would be confirmed via indisputable photographic evidence. Well it looks like that theory just got thrown out the window, because Khloé appeared in today’s Christmas card photo looking decidedly not pregnant. Please take a moment now to collect yourselves after the current shock and disbelief you are feeling. Is it acceptable for me to go through the stages of grief? Because that’s what I’m currently experiencing.
In the photo, which Kim dropped on Instagram today, we see Reign, Mason, and North crawling around and generally doing what children do. We see Kim playing with Saint. We see Kris and Kris’s mom sitting and having a chat. We see Khloé holding Dream, Rob’s daughter (so I guess this means neither Rob nor Blac Chyna will appear in the card?). We can’t see Khloé’s face, but we can see her signature ombre blond lob. You know what we can’t see, though? Any evidence of a baby bump. Don’t just take my word for it. See for yourself.
Day 13 – 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS BY @elirusselllinnetz pic.twitter.com/LRvM4M3RVQ
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) December 13, 2017
I blew this picture up on my computer and zoomed in as much as I could, and still I see no hint of a baby bump. Now, could Khloé be one of those
lucky bitches people who doesn’t really show very much? Sure. One of my cousins was like that when she was pregnant—that bitch was skinnier than me on a good day. But none of it makes sense. Khloé has been spotted wearing baggy clothes, is only being filmed from the chest up, and often covers her stomach with her purse when out in public. Why would she be doing any of this if she has no discernible baby bump? Is it possible she isn’t pregnant after all, and this has been one giant Kardashian media circus? WHO CAN I TRUST ANYMORE??
I don’t think it’s an overreaction to say that I haven’t felt this massive of a betrayal since my last boyfriend cheated on me. No—this is worse than that. I was rooting for a Khloé pregnancy and finally coming around to the idea of Kylie procreating, only to have it all ripped away from under my eyes with one photo. I don’t know anything anymore. As I contemplate my existence, I will be on the floor of my bedroom, rocking in the fetal position, until more news develops.