Kardashians Recap: A Tale of Two Separations

Last night's premiere of the Kardashians was actually really drama packed and not in the usual fun, “we're having a wedding/baby/face transplant” kind of way. The premiere, which will continue tonight and I will 100% be interrupting The Bachelor to watch, was actually pretty upsetting. America's model family is being torn apart faster than the house Kim and Kanye bought.

Let's start with the Khloe situation which is like truly sad, especially since it was clearly not timed to coincide with the family timeline Kris had planned. I mean, it's so sad even Kim could cry if she thinks about it long enough, bible. Side note: How sincere must you be in real life when you need to swear on the bible that you have actual empathy for your sister. 

Anyway, I felt truly bad for Khloe, but also like we weren't hearing the whole story through the show. But I'm probably wrong because the Kardashians are world renowned for their honesty.

Did Lamar go to rehab or just move out, or go to rehab and THEN move out? Why does he change his number every few hours? Why does Khloe NEED to move out of her own house? Is Lamar also responsible for fucking up Rob and that's why Rob got so fat and now describes Khloe's house as a “toxic environment”? And if your show was so real before then why didn't we know about that aspect until now and how can you expect us to ever trust you again!? 

Also did anyone notice that during this car conversation with Kourtney, Khloe suddenly switched sunglasses. Not to mention that she was wearing her massive rock of an engagement ring the entire episode. Like that's gonna help. 

“I want to warn Lamar about this papparazzi thing…but I don't want to call, but should I try to call? Why not.” ::rings once, “your call has been forwarded…”::

Now onto the Jenner separation. When the episode begins Bruce somehow manages to convince Kris that he doesn't want to move back from the Malibu house because “there's no room in the garage for my stuff.” Seriously Bruce, you OWN the house, I think you could get some garage space if you wanted weren't using the garage as a really pussy excuse to stay in Malibu. Because when you live in a huge mansion that was once big enough to fit like 10 children, it's suddenly really impossible to fit only six people and therefore really important to reserve that extra square foot of the garage for your golf clubs.

Bruce and Kris have a talk about Bruce staying in Malibu. Hooray, we're separated, now let's discuss secondary issues like our daughters' feelings over a bottle of Veuve. Speaking of said daughters, obviously Kylie plays the chill one who realizes that her parents will be happier when they're divorced, and Kendall plays the one who thinks the divorce has anything to do with her. So are we like, divorced parents kids now? Clearly she's taking it the worst, as in the first scene when Bruce says he's moving out she's all “but like whyyyy can't you stay home with us?” but then when they call the huge family meeting to fake announce their separation, Kendall's all “GO GET A DIVORCE! YOU WANT TO DO IT SO JUST DO IT!” Not evidence of a child taking it well. However she happens to be completely right in her reasoning that they're just sugar coating it so they don't have to SAY they're getting a divorce. See, models are deep.

Kendall refreshing her instagram likes mid-family separation talk

Seriously during this separation talk I just wanted to start cheering BRUCE! BRUCE BRUCE BRUCE! like in that scene from Matilda when fat Bruce eats the whole cake. I mean, Kris Jenner is almost as dictatorial as the Trunchbull. Here were some of my favorite ways she articulated her decision to separate from Bruce to her kids.

To explain why they're only separating, not divorcing: “I really just want us to be honest. And do this in an honest way.”

On why divorce sucks: “I just didn't want this to turn into an emotional thing.”

About the most important thing, the kids: “It doesn't mean we still can't be in each others' lives. We have kids together, and he loves you guys very much. All of you. And so do I.”

But my favorite part had to be at the very end when Kim called an additional family meeting with the Jenner boys so they could all be on the 'same page' (what page!?) for the benefit of Kendall and Kylie. Cut to Kourtney and Khloe hugging and comforting Kendall and Kylie on the other side of the table while Kim's alluding to TMZ headlines. Sorry Kim, it sounds like everyone is on the exact same page and you're like, reading another edition or something. 


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