207. Kale

loveee kale!”  – every betch

In a chip or in a juice, or in a kale caes-air salad (a caesar salad drizzled with air, obvs), we're completely shocked there isn't even an official kale diet yet. Fuck the Special K challenge, betches love the Special Kale challenge.

I mean what's not to love about this trendy green that you can chew at a rate of approximately one leaf per minute? One leaf per minute = like 40 leaves per meal = skinny. 

Much like tax returns and public transportation, you probably only learned about kale after you turned 21. But when betches first became aware of kale it was pretty much the chic new grass. Now that our digestive tracts have adjusted to consuming a plant so strong the Native Americans probably used it for teepee walls, it's more like iceberg lettuce's anorexic sister. Based on taste alone, I think they meant to name it stale. But we love it just the same. It has all the qualities inherent in a betchy food. It's expensive, organic, and I'm pretty sure a poor person would assume it's pronounced like that spanish Pitbull song Dale. 

A betch will take her kale in any form. In crispy chipotle kale krunch, cinnamon kale krunch, gluten free dairy free fake vegan cheese kale…you name it, Organic Ave stocks it and will sell it to you at a completely worth it price of 20 dollars a container. That plus daily Soul Cycle means you only have to pay like 100 dollars per day to look extremely trendy on your quest to lose three pounds. In other words, a fucking bargain.

So betches, you know what to do. Be trendy. Be natural. Buy a chic blender to mix your different kales from various chic organic farms. Forget that it looks like you're eating marijuana. No one ever got fat from eating too much kale.


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