‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: I Am Done With Men

Oh my God, it’s the Jersey Shore: Family Vacation season finale! I literally feel like I’ve been writing about this show for like a year. I don’t even remember what happened last episode, because everything is a blur of Jenni’s grandma attire, Mike stuffing his face, Ronnie’s little bitch crying. I think Mike got engaged. Was it to funfetti cake?

Ooooh wait, okay, Mike and Ronnie are arguing, which is literally what happens in every episode. Sidenote: I feel super weird using words like “lit” and … I can’t even think of a second one because I am that detached from today’s youth. Like, I feel too old to say shit like that, and yet these guys are way older than me and they have no issues using the children’s lingo? Is that weird or is it just me?

Me trying to be cool and relatable:

Okay, so they’re just recapping the highlights of the season, specifically when Angelina shit her pants and tried to prove her innocence by showing us the inside of her panties. I mean, is this a highlight? Is that where the bar is set? Other highlights include Vin’s mom (definitely), when Vin prevented some rando from wasting perfectly good Champagne by smashing the bottle into Deena’s face, and when Vin dressed up as a terrifying woman.

Vin really carried a lot of this season, like what the fuck did everyone else do?

Ronnie is saying he’s so grateful Sam didn’t come because now they see what a *cool* and *chill* and *fun* guy he is now. Is he… is he serious? Ron, you literally did NOTHING but cause drama and fights, cry, cheat, disrespect your woman (AND BABY), and cry again about Sam. You are totally cool and chill. What a great time you are, you delusional motherfucker. He also says his worst choices were bringing those random girls home—like, no shit. And that was night one.

Mike: Does this mean you’re shutting down Ronnie’s Tours?

Okay, we definitely need to make a Ronnie’s Tours shirt immediately. What will we ever do without Ronnie touring skanky women around the house so that the wind can shut the door even though he tries his best to keep the door open?! Somehow this v funny joke (actually Mike, I’m not even being sarcastic) turns into “Ronnie’s Rehab” which we definitely learned he needs recently from his ex Jen. But then it’s like, idk, she also just dragged him with her car, so maybe she’s not one to talk. Ronnie goes fucking bonkers, proving that he needs rehab because people who don’t use drugs aren’t offended by rehab jokes. Fucking duh.

Ronnie: I get crazy when I party but it never fucks up my life LIKE YOU MIKE.
Ronnie: *cheats on Sam when fucked up*
Ronnie: *cheats on Jen when fucked up*

Mike gets furious and then spills that Ronnie called him two weeks before the show saying he needs rehab. Ooooooooooooooooh. Kinda weird that Ronnie thinks he needs rehab and then goes on a show where he does nothing but party and drink. Ronnie apparently was planning on going to rehab after the show, so I guess his fucking up here was his last hurrah. Pauly is all of us hiding under the table.

Mike: You need rehab!
Ronnie: Not like your rehab, like a special, different rehab!
Mike: Rehab is rehab!

What kind of world are we living in where I start agreeing with things Mike says? Ron is now screaming that he takes care of Jen (does he?) and his “fucking kid” (kid isn’t born yet, dude). Mike and Ron proceed to scream at each other until I lose interest and they decide to drop it, I guess. Somehow Vinny is blaming Jen for this.

The girls are saying Mike is in the wrong for throwing out something that Ronnie told him privately, but like, it’s super fucking annoying when someone pretends he’s holier-than-thou when he himself very obviously has issues with drugs and alcohol and has admitted it. So I guess I’m Team Mike with this one, but it’s like, when the teams are both horrible and you’re choosing like, dog shit over horse shit.

Ronnie: I’m going home to my woman and my baby!

…Aaaand a breakup. And probably a restraining order. It’s fun to know the future. Mike and Ron kiss and make up and Ron says he’s going to rehab after the show. He definitely has not done that, but okay.

Snooki is too tired to go to Drag Queen Drunch and I am so disappointed in her. Where is the Snooki we know and love? Get your shit together, woman.

The good old days:

Literally nothing happens at the drag show, so I have nothing to say about it. Pauly gets a call that he’s DJing at some Miami club. Deena and Jenni come home hammered. I guess that is how you know you’re old and no longer fun—when your night out takes place at 11am and then you go to sleep. #relatable.

The girls somehow manage to rally to go to E11even to see Pauly DJ. I mention the name of it because they’ve said it 14 times so I’m assuming they really need the publicity. Snooks is like, oh we’ll see boobies and butts and it’ll be crazy and a shitshow! It feels like my mom trying to convince me something horrible is going to be fun.

Snooki: I swear we’re still cool kids, it’s gonna be craaaazzzzyyy, we may like drink and then be drunk, and then stand around, but we’ll be drunk doing it!

K. Then Jenni somehow almost blows up the kitchen by boiling water, which is truly a talent. Ronnie is saying he’s nervous to go home, and it’s like yeah, when you’re disrespectful and lie and attempt to cheat on your pregnant girlfriend and say you don’t want to be with her, and that you’d rather be with your ex, and it’s ALL ON TV, yeah, you should be super scared of going home. Because you fucking ruined it. How is he possibly making himself the victim here? I am done with men.

Snooks revives the pouf for the last night out. Jenni dresses like she’s in a Backstreet Boys music video. What has happened to our J-Woww? She used to be the Queen of Slutty Club Attire.

Look it’s Jenni, second from the right:

I’m so distracted by Jenni’s terrible crimes in fashion that I almost missed that Pauly’s creepy af stalker Vanessa is in the crowd watching him DJ. This is that chick that would go to the Shore Store and just stare at him and salivate, and then they told her she was creepy, and she still did not have enough self-respect to leave or at least close her drooling mouth. Pauly encourages the crazy and calls her up to say hi to her. She has a Pauly D shirt. And a Pauly D tattoo. Yikes. Sidenote: If Pauly D just got the call to DJ today, how did Vanessa have enough time to fly out from Jersey to attend this event? I smell conspiracy.

The girls get drunk and go home and absolutely nothing happens. Yeah Snooks, v v crazy. Control yourself. Snooki’s big exciting moment of the night is questioning her sexuality because she loves the strippers. I mean? Didn’t she have a major lesbi-honest moment with Deena before? We already knew this.

How does Pauly wake up so early after nights out every time? I need 3-5 business days to recover from any amount of drinking. What kind of drugs does he take and where do I get them? Vin and Pauly are wearing matching Jersey Shore: Family Reunion shirts that use Brush Script font, and I find that personally offensive. Vin then announces he doesn’t like his girlfriend, the Instamodel (no shit), and he’s going to break up with her. Tbh, I forgot he hasn’t already done so considering we haven’t heard from her or about her in maybe 10 episodes. Oh wait, now Vin says he’s kidding. Idk why you would joke about that considering it wasn’t funny. Oh and also, he totally broke up with her after the show, soooo…

They all sit down to family breakfast, complete with Sonic slushies, which is the dream. They all have the horrible matching Brush Script shirts.

Jenni: What a great trip, no one even went to jail!

She’s forgetting Mike’s sentencing isn’t until after the show, but ok. They’re all telling us what they’ve learned and how great their lives will be.

Mike: I may go to prison but I also am engaged.

Those things don’t undo each other, but sure.

Ronnie: My little Ronnie with crazy legs (??? unclear?) is coming and everything is going to be so good.

…Should we tell him?

Then they ride off into sunset via Escalades.

Ooookay. So I don’t want to be a dick, but I feel like totally lied to. When I interviewed the cast at their premiere, they said Mike was the most changed and was so inspiring. He did nothing but sit in the corner and eat cake. Is that inspirational now? If so, I’m waiting for my Ted Talk. Deena also said she changed so much this season and was so proud of the way she stood up for herself. Deena mostly cried about her boyfriend (husband?). Then, Snooki and J-Woww said this was the craziest season when it kinda seems like they had three vodka sodas and went home by midnight every time they went out. But okay guys, you haven’t lost your touch.

Hopefully next season, which has already been confirmed and will be in Vegas, land of Pauly D and Ronnie, will be way trashier and the kind of TV I strive to watch. Ronnie, Vinny, and Pauly will all hopefully still be single so we can get some Smush Room drama back in the game. Also, who knows? Maybe Vinny will find carbs again and get his personality back. Maybe Roger will be so sick of being with a 90-year-old woman that he’ll leave her and we can get the J-Woww we know and love slutting up our screens. Here’s to hoping! Also, if I was a producer on this show, I would offer Sammi SO. Much. Money. that she could not possibly turn it down to come back. Sammi Sweetheart, our country needs you.

But the real question is… who gets Sammi Sex Doll?

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Holly Hammond
Holly Hammond
Holly is an ex-sorority girl with the personality of Elle Woods meets Wednesday Addams. She is an artist, writer, animator, and part-time magician. Her parents are v proud but also like to ask her when she's going to get a real job. Buy art from her so she can pay for her bulldog's dermatologist.