On last week’s Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, we were all #blessed because Ron’s psycho baby mama ran him over with a car the day before so he’s not coming to the Shore. Meaning he can’t ruin our fun with his talks of diapers, babies, domestic violence, and crying. Sorry, that was a bit harsh. I mean, like, I don’t recommend running someone over with a car to stop them from wrecking a TV show. But also, it got the job done. Bye, Ron!
The gang is heartbroken over what happened to Ron. By “heartbroken”, I mean that they are taking shots and cheering and totally forgot about him. Danny leaves a note saying not to trash the house, which looks way better since it stopped hosting these animals. They play an insane montage of the fighting, throwing sh*t, and breaking sh*t that went on. Sorry, Danny, I don’t have hopes for your house. Hope you have renter’s insurance!
Now they’re going through the groceries the producers left. Mike goes on a super creepy montage of his childhood and how much he loves Funfetti cake. This is serial killer level scary right now.
Okay, now there is another montage of every time they almost burned the house down. Wtf. Why are there all these montages? Like they don’t have enough interesting footage so they’re deciding to torture us?
Mike prays for Deena’s child to be “masculine”. Um okay. They also pray for Ronnie, kind of. Angelina is going on and on about how “different” she is now and “special” and “whatever”. Vin interrupts her and they start arguing. Snooki wants them to smush it out. Angelina then threatens Vinny with gun violence because this America.
Angelina: I got pistols in the chamber. (???)
Vin: What did you say to me?
Angelina: I got a loaded gun. I got one in the chamber.
Vin: I don’t have a chamber on you. Because I don’t think about you ever.
Pauly: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH [this goes on for like five minutes]
K, so apparently the gun references mean that Ang has dirt on Vinny. The girls start chanting “chamber” over and over again.
Angelina: You know you used to hit me up in the day and try to EFF me.
Pauly starts screaming that he doesn’t even know Vin. Vin denies it. Idk, he also lied about knowing Ang in high school, so I’m kind of with Ang on this one. Ooooh, apparently Vin also wanted to take Ang out on a date. To the Staten Island Mall, according to Pauly.
Oh God, now Vinny is saying that they did not grow up on the same block. He even makes a map out of condiments to iterate the “miles and miles” between them. Angelina then chases Vinny and they all are screaming.
Jenni: I feel like this is a Staten Island mating ritual. It’s low-key fighting with sexual undertones.
Ang is chasing Vinny down the street with ketchup. Jenni gives Vinny mustard so he can fight back. He misses and throws mustard all over the walls.
Mike: Danny is not going to be happy about this.
Okay, whatever, Dad. They’re shielding Deena out of the way since she’s pregnant. Vinny then nails Angelina with the fire extinguisher and makes his grand escape. Yep, the house is f*cking ruined and it’s been five minutes.
Snooki: I’M PEEING!
It’s been like a decade and Snooki is still somehow not potty-trained. Deena starts scolding all of them. Angelina complains that her dress is ruined and Pauly very earnestly tells her that she smells better now. Everyone agrees that they just need to smush and get it out.
Snooki: It’s like I’m watching a movie and I’m waiting for the … climax.
Pauly: I wish Vinny would flirt with me the way he flirts with Angelina. I’m feeling left out.
Mike throws a tantrum because Jenni is making Funfetti cake but they want to leave and do something fun.
Vinny: Mike is treating this cake more seriously than his court date.
Jenni turns the oven off so they can go to the Shore store and Mike looks like someone kicked his puppy. Apparently Angelina hasn’t seen Danny since she got fired but I have no interest in this soooo…. I just noticed on the Shore store sign it says they also offer free ear piercing??? What? Like, are you trying to get an infection?
Danny sees Angelina and is all, “Oh aren’t you the girl that’s too good to work here?” Turns out Danny is a petty bitch.
They go back to the house and Mike has oral sex with his Funfetti cake. Angelina is not over trying to engage Vinny in an aggressive sexual ritual because she throws cake at him. Then Angelina decides to PULL HER PANTS DOWN AND SIT IN THE CAKE WITH HER BARE ASS. This is really more offensive to Mike than Vinny. It’s also highly offensive to cakes. What is wrong with this woman? The best part is that she just puts her shorts back on. Like, not even wiping the icing off her ass. Mike is crying about the loss of his one true love.
Vinny: That really took the cake.
Oh noooooo we cut to Ronnie with his baby. Why is he here? Why must we watch this? Oh and surprise, surprise, during his 30 seconds of screen time, he immediately starts crying on camera about Jen. Ronnie’s mom shows up to help him with the baby. His hands are all bloodied up from being thrown from a car and then run over. He’s all, “I don’t know what to do.” Um??? Don’t get back with Jen, dumbass? File a restraining order?? Just a few suggestions.
We cut to Mike, Pauly, and Vinny saying the exact same thing. Pauly is literally like, “had Ronnie listened to us, he would not have been run over.” And he’s right. Ronnie, I know leaving an abuser can be difficult, but please!! Lean on your support system. You have like, all of America rooting for you. Then they start talking about Jen’s mugshot, which is pretty f*cking scary.
Vin: That mugshot says it all.
Pauly: Like Lucifer.
If I ever get arrested, remind me to take out my crazy eyelash extensions first. Then they all start talking about boners, so Ronnie has been forgotten.
Angelina is now telling the girls that she took off her engagement ring. I totally forgot she was even engaged, considering she keeps sexually harassing Vinny and Funfetti cakes. She said they got in a big fight and asks Jenni, “What would you do if Roger disappeared for 24 hours?”
Angelina: I fight with Chris a lot because he’s really jealous.
Maybe because you try to f*ck other men? Idk?
Snooks and Jenni confess that no men are comfortable with their women being on a TV show like this, and they’ve all had issues with it and apparently continue to. Jenni says it has almost led to her and Roger’s divorce (which is super awkward because that’s definitely happened now). Also, didn’t the show just start again after a super long hiatus? Like, we’re supposed to believe Jenni and Roger were absolutely perfect but a couple months of her on a TV show has destroyed their marriage?
Deena: It’s super nice with Angelina opening up to us because all we knew was she liked to sh*t her pants and put her [bleeped] in our face, but now we know there’s something behind that.
Yeah, her boyfriend hates her, that’s… super deep. Angelina says they can’t even sit through a dinner without fighting and they recently fought where her fiancé just told her to “go f*ck Vinny”. Why would anyone be with someone who speaks to them that way? Also, is this why Ang is taking his advice literally?
Mike wakes up and cleans the house, just like old times. Seriously, what kind of animals just go to bed leaving open food all over the place? There is cake literally sitting on the floor. Do you WANT roaches??
They all have breakfast (which is delivered because they’re bougie now). Deena is like, “omg it’s so weird being here sober.” I’m sure it’s weird for her being sober anywhere. Ang asks Vinny how his morning is in a creepy way and Jenni is like, “Can I just eat my eggs without you two f*cking on the table?” She tells Ang to stop speaking.
Vinny: I’m like turned on.
Mike then tells the boys how much he loves them and how he wants them to be in his bridal party. Then he says he doesn’t want Ronnie in it but he tries to cover it up as, “oh because of Ronnie, because Ronnie is going through a lot.” Like, Ronnie is hanging out with a baby. He has plenty of time. Also, it’s not that big of a commitment to be part of a wedding. Buy a suit, stand up there, go to the bachelor party. But I don’t blame Mike for not wanting Ronnie there, he’s annoying af.
They all go down to the boardwalk and get Deena a little motorized scooter. Pauly is wearing a shirt that says, “Yeah Buddy – DJ Pauly D”. His own quote. On his own shirt. They play games and go on rides and show flashbacks to the OG Jersey Shore where they went on rides. Then it starts raining.
Jenni: It’ll wash away all the chlamydia.
They all go eat and Deena is so thrilled about going back to where she got arrested.
Deena: I ran from the cop because I thought we were playing tag.
Ah, memories. Then she apologizes to the restaurant manager for causing a scene six years ago. Apparently, the state of New Jersey banned her for two years. Then they all reminisce about Snooki getting punched in the face by a man, who was a teacher(!) from what I remember. They show a clip of it with the punch blacked out. When that originally aired, they showed the actual punch in all the trailers but then MTV was like, “Oh wait, maybe men punching women in the face is not funny?” and by the time the episode actually aired they blacked it out. Good for you MTV, you go MTV.
Snooki: The roommates hated me until I got punched in the face.
So did America, honey.
They all decide they need a nice, classier summer house next time. Oh, I guess they’re too good for the Shore house now. Which is funny because they still trashed the place. Like, you guys aren’t ready for grownup houses yet. They go to the Shore and say goodbye to Danny and say the house is very clean.
Snooki: I feel like we’re burying the body and we’re not gonna tell anyone.
Angelina never really worked in the Shore store and broke the T-shirt press. They’re literally on their way out and ruined it by putting the shirt in backwards. Who left her unsupervised?
Danny: Just get out. I was actually having a good day.
Just wait until he sees the house.
They pack up and get ready to leave. Is this the last episode? I feel like this season is never ending? Snooki complains that the house smells funky, like you threw food all over it and let it sit out for days, so yeah. The problem may be you. Vinny hugged Ang and kissed her on the cheek and everyone acts like they just had sex. Angelina is blushing. It’s all weird.
Mike: We made a mark on Jersey Shore. And the world.
The cast is all like, f*ck this house, we’re never staying here again, it’s the worst.
Bye, Mike, have fun in prison!
Okay wait, they just showed a preview of a whole bunch of sh*t and apparently Ron and Jen are back together, which surprises no one. When does this air? What is happening? Oh my God, this is somehow not the last episode. There is one more. Okay, we’ll what the hell is going on next week!
Images: Giphy (5); Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department (1)