I’m sure it would surprise nobody that, I, creator and co-host of the Betches true crime podcast, have a fascination with legal issues. You are talking to a girl who literally reads the legal advice subreddit for fun. So when I opened up Instagram on my Friday night, as one does, and saw that Jordan Kimball posted what appears to be a letter from Jenna Cooper’s attorney, to say I was excited was an understatement. I was downright gleeful. I quite literally live for this sh*t.
For those of you who need a quick refresher, I will provide a very brief recap (because I don’t want to waste any more brain cells than the ones I’ve already sacrificed). Back on Bachelor in Paradise, Jordan Kimball and Jenna Cooper got engaged. But before they could even enjoy their newly engaged bliss, Reality Steve published text messages that showed Jenna was cheating on Jordan the entire time and never really loved him. Jordan disappeared pretty quietly into the night, while Jenna insisted she never sent those texts and vowed to clear her name.
Since then it’s been a whole lot of nothing: Jenna railing against Reality Steve to release his source (which he did not) and Jenna claiming to have evidence that the text messages did not come from her phone (evidence that she has so far failed to produce). The whole time, Jenna has claimed to have gotten lawyers involved. On Friday, Jordan posted to Instagram a series of screenshots that appear to be from those very “lawyers”. I put the word lawyers in quotes because even with my honorary law degree I obtained from Dick Wolf University, I can tell that this letter is complete baloney. So now, I kindly invite you to join me while I take this letter apart bit by bit, using nothing but the dictionary and my own common sense. I took screenshots in the event Jenna’s lawyer demands Jordan take down the posts.
First of all, if this attorney represents Jenna in a dispute with Reality Steve, then why are they even bringing Jordan into this in the first place? Why are these attorneys insisting on meeting with Jordan? I also think it’s weird that a supposed lawyer is referring to Reality Steve by his pen name and Jenna by only her first name, and also that they did not even bother to stylize “i.e.” correctly. Also, despite a mention of “clear and convincing forensic results,” no such results have been described in detail.
Next, Jenna attempts to drop a bombshell that Reddit already figured out earlier in the week: Jenna is claiming Jordan sent the texts. I won’t get into that here; what I will get into is Jenna’s lawyers strange assertion, “You are clearly avoiding the situation because you know the truth already.” I’m sorry, is there a legal argument here? I think if this attorney had anything he would simply file in court and not send veiled threats. Also, I talked to my friend in law school, who asserts that it is not the attorney’s job to try to presume what Jordan does or does not know about this.
And because I’m being petty, I looked it up, and “remediate” is not a word—at least, I don’t think it is the word this lawyer intends to use. I think he means to say “remedy”, because the only dictionary definition I could find for “remediate” is an archaic adjective relating to the word “remedial”.
LMFAOOO. Guys. This is where I just can’t maintain any sense of seriousness. “Historic texts”? These are some stupid iMessages, not the Dead Sea scrolls! Are we really using “with lips emoji following” in legal documents now? Is this what the world has come to? Also, “You should note that the only man Jenna ever called ‘princess’ in a text message, is you”?? That’s the crux of your case? That Jenna has only ever in her life called one man “princess”? And are you all prepared to release her “historic texts” to show she’s never once called another man “princess”? Jesus Christ, I’ve thought too far into this.
In what world would a lawyer say, “We can let the public make their own decisions when they see the text messages between you and Jenna”? Presumably, if a lawyer is sending someone a letter, they intend to sue—in that case, the only person Jordan should worry about seeing those texts is a judge. Do Jenna’s lawyers know that you cannot actually file a lawsuit in the court of public opinion?
Here we have more weird threats. “If I hear that you contact Jenna, this opportunity is gone”… “If you release this email to anyone other than a lawyer… then this opportunity is gone”? What was this letter modeled after, the JonBenét Ramsey ransom note? This is all so f*cking weird and seems so highly unprofessional!
And finally, we get some vague threats, with no actual mention of any real legal action. I also redacted the lawyer’s name and identifying information.
This is all so f*cking dumb. I don’t know who Jenna’s publicist is, but I’m confident that a comatose dog could have done a better job. I don’t think Jenna could have made herself look worse after all this if she had tried. All she really had to do was, when the supposed texts initially leaked, assert straightaway that she did not write them and Jordan did. Instead, she tried to play this cat-and-mouse game and draw out suspense for almost a month, losing credibility rapidly by the day. Honestly, Jenna would have even come out looking better if she had just admitted she cheated on Jordan and apologized, instead of having the first lawyer she could find on the internet send this bogus letter. But she didn’t, and now I have this glorious letter to read to myself every night before I go to sleep, to calm me. And for that, I thank her.
Images: ABC; Jordan Kimball / Instagram