Jenelle Evans Lied About Her Husband Shooting Their Dog

Over the past few months, I feel like my job has mainly been writing about drama caused by the gremlins that make up the YouTube community and the cast of Teen Mom. Who knew that these godforsaken people could be so fascinating? Honestly, if these people keep acting up, I’m going to start billing them directly for my time. Today, we’re talking about the ongoing saga that is the life of Jenelle Evans and David Eason. Remember them? Of course you do!

Before Amber Portwood acted up and got arrested for domestic violence last week (read those updates, they’re batsh*t insane), Jenelle was the primary source of drama in the Teen Mom cinematic universe, so let’s do a quick recap. Emphasis on quick, because I have a happy hour to get to, and they don’t pay me enough for this sh*t. Back in May, Jenelle called the cops on David because he shot and killed the family dog after it was aggressive toward their kids. She ultimately decided to stand by David, and a result of their behavior, their kids were taken away and she was subsequently fired from Teen Mom 2. Last week, reports came out that all of the kids except for one had been returned to custody with Jenelle and David, which I really didn’t know how to feel about. Got it? Great!

The new news is that, well, Jenelle might have made up the whole story about David shooting the dog in the first place. I’m sorry, what?? This whole thing stemmed from something that didn’t even happen? *insert Ja Rule tweet about being bamboozled and led astray.* I always assumed that both of these people were trash, but to lie about being trash? That makes you even trashier!!

This week, police reportedly closed the investigation into the case due to lack of evidence, and now they’re saying that David Eason didn’t shoot the dog, as previously reported. When this story first broke, Jenelle spoke to E! News, and told them that David “just took her and shot her in the woods…about two acres away from the house. Thankfully the kids did not see him shoot the dog.”

The police conducted a search of Jenelle Evans and David Eason’s property back on May 13th, and according to the new police report, they “found no blood evidence or any other physical evidence to validate that an animal had been fatally injured there.” After the search, Jenelle was interviewed again by investigators, and she admitted that she hadn’t seen or heard anything related to David shooting the dog, and that she made the story up for publicity.

I F*CKING CAN’T.

Normally, I would be excited to find out that a report of a dog being brutally murdered is fake, but we still don’t actually know what happened to the dog. When Jenelle Evans confessed to making up the story, she reaffirmed that she didn’t know where the dog is. Did the dog run away? Did Jenelle shoot the dog? Did they give it to a shelter? I have so many questions, and I’m rapidly running out of patience for this nightmare of a couple.

Jenelle Evans still hasn’t deleted her Instagram post from May 1, where she eulogizes about her dead dog:

This photo felt pretty f*cked up at the time, considering that she had allegedly already chosen to stand by her husband that shot the dog in the photo, but now I’m just confused. Especially because, at the time, David Eason posted an Instagram that seemed to be explaining why he shot the dog. The video has been deleted, but here’s what the caption was:

“I dont give a damn what animal bites my baby on the face… whether it be your dog or mine, a dog is a dog and I dont put up with that shit at all. I’m all about protecting my family, it is my lifes mission. Some people are worth killing or dying for and my family means that much to me. You can hate me all you want but this isnt the first time the dog bit Ensley aggressively. The only person that can judge weather or not a animal is a danger to MY CHILD is ME.”

Okay so like, ew, but why is he acting like the dog deserved it if he didn’t even do it? What happened to the dog??? It’s all a mystery. What does seem clear is that these two crazies are sticking together, dead dog or not. Three out of their four children are living with them again, so we’ll see how that goes. For now, I’m going to submerge myself in a bathtub full frozen margarita, because tequila is the only way I can deal with these people.