Our world is crawling with fuckboys. There are fictional fuckboys like season one Chuck Bass, then real ones like, ya know, our current president for one, as well as pretty much any guy I’ve ever hooked up with. But one of the OGs of fuckboyery is none other than Vanderpump Rules’ Jax Taylor. Who can forget when he got a rando pregnant in Vegas while he was dating Stassi? And then proceeded to turn all her friends against her because he swore it wasn’t true? Or how about the time he fucked his best friend’s girlfriend on their couch WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING IN THE OTHER ROOM? Or even when he got arrested in Hawaii for stealing sunglasses? You can’t make this shit up, kids.
But over the past year or so, he’s seemed to put his fuckboyish ways aside. Or so we all thought. Last week, he announced on Facebook Live that the upcoming season of VPR is his worst season yet. He even said he might have to go into hiding. Lol, k. Calm down. But it got us thinking… Given his impressive track record, how tf could he do anything worse? So we’ve listed the top 5 most likely situations that could make us hate Jax more than we already do. Tbh, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
1. He Had Sex With—I’m Sorry, Banged—Katie
The only thing worse than banging your friend’s girlfriend is banging your other, nicer friend’s wife. Given the state of Mr. and Mrs. Bubba’s relationship last season, this wouldn’t be all that surprising. Apparently Schwartzy’s dick doesn’t work and he calls Katie a bitch a lot, so like, could be a perfect opportunity for Jax and his overly functioning dick to swoop right in.
2. He Had Something To Do With Lisa Vanderpump’s Dog Dying
Okay, I’ll admit, this is a little dark…even for Jax. But if you’ve been following LVP on social media, you know that in the past month, two of her precious pups have passed. RIP. If Jax is responsible for any of this, or like, left the gate open or some shit that caused a doggy death, we are fucking done.
3. He Hooked Up With One Of Brittany’s Friends When They Took Kentucky
I mean, wtf else is there to do in Kentucky? And like, most of her friends would have been down. There’s a reason every one of them has a baby. I could def see Jax hate-fucking that one he kept fighting with. And sure… Has he cheated in the past? Yes. Would this be all that shocking? No. But Brittany seems nice and won’t be able to plot his life destruction the way Stassi did when he cheated on her so it would be extra shitty.
4. He Stole From A Charity
Like the dog murder, this is a stretch. But Jax has already stolen sunglasses and almost gone to jail for it. That was especially bad because, while obviously illegal, stealing a pair of sunglasses is just dumb. He could easily have afforded them or gotten a similar-looking pair from Diff Eyewear for free. So the only thing that could be worse than stealing again would be if Jax stole from the needy. Lisa does have a lot of charitable endeavors, so I wouldn’t necessarily put it past Jax to slip himself a $20 from the donation jar or whatever.
5. He Took Up DJing So He Could Completely Destroy James Kennedy’s Life
Tbh, I would actually love to see this. But it would also be a real dick move. Look, James is the fucking worst. But Jax already got him fired from SUR. Let him keep his little DJing career. If he lost that, I don’t think “the white Kanye West” would fucking make it. James might even have such an intense mental breakdown that he moved to a small rural town to film a spin-off with his girlfriend. Oh wait…
Obviously, we have no fucking idea what types of shenanigans Jax will get into this season, and obviously we’ll be watching and recapping the entire thing. Stay tuned.