Ivanka May Or May Not Have Bribed China For A Trademark On Her Sh*tty Handbags

From the day her dad got elected last November, we’ve all been suspicious of Ivanka Trump’s role in the presidency. Is she going to stand up to her dad’s fucked up policies on women and the environment and everything in general, or will she just roll her eyes and table text her friends about how annoying her dad is being about North Korea, like most people do with their dads? On the one hand, she’s an “official advisor” to the President, but on the other she’s got like 15 other businesses, including her product line that’s been dropped by a million stores but is also “surging” in popularity because literally nothing makes sense these days. All this is to say, Ivanka is shady AF. Like, on the one hand you see her speak and think she seems pretty normal, but on the other hand you remember her dad is low-key destroying the country with her help. It’s like the girl in high school who seems really nice when you’re acquaintances and then when you become friends you find out she’s behind like 90% of the school’s most vicious rumors, including that Amber D’Alessio made out with a hotdog. 

Ever since Ivanka accepted her upaid White House internship, people have suspected that she may be able to use her close proximity to the President and other foreign leaders for personal gain and favors to her many, many businesses. And just like when you snooped through your ex’s phone and found 100 photos of him and some skank in Cabo, we were right to be suspicious.

Let’s break down a timeline for you. On April 6, Ivanka had dinner with the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, at Mar-a-Lago aka the place Trump goes when he should be in the White House doing presidential things. What’s the problem? Other than the fact that Mar-a-Lago just got 13 health violations so she and the Chinese President were likely consuming at least some amount of fecal matter, April 6 also happens to be the day that Ivanka got approved for trademarks to sell her jewelry, bags, and spa services in…you guessed it…China! So basically, while she was having dinner with China’s president, whoever handles the trademark approval in China just happened to give Ivanka the go-ahead to sell her knock-off Aquazzura shoes, which is definitely not shady or a conflict of interest at all. Nope, nothing unethical to see here. This is just like the time you accepted a Netflix and Chill request from your Physics T.A., and suddenly your grade in physics jumped from a C to an A++. A simple coincidence. 

So now we (and literally every person who follows the news in any way) have got to ask: Did Ivanka finagle this deal over a piece of delicious Mar-a-Lago chocolate cake (only 30% rat piss!)? And if so, what did Ivanka (definitely not) promise the Chinese President in order to get this deal? An Instagram follow? A lifetime supply of boring pink handbags? A game of footsie under the table? Casual assurance that we will support them in the impending nuclear apocolypse? There are just so many options (all of which are terrifying). 

Tbh, we’re pretty okay with Ivanka taking her boring-ass clothing line to China, as long as that means we won’t have to see them here. Actually, we’re not sure we’ve ever seen anyone carrying an Ivanka Trump handbag, which is probably why their sales were tanking at Nordstrom. Sorry honey, we just don’t want that shit. Maybe you should try selling them at Sears? Oh wait. They dropped her too.