It’s Time For A Glowup: Weekly Horoscopes February 3-7

Chatty Mercury is headed into a two-month stint in Pisces this week, meaning everyone will be feeling a little bit touchy-feely, even if you’re usually dead inside. Pisces is all about creativity and Mercury is all about expression, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself wanting to write a poem for your upcoming Valentine, if you have one (or at least a very elaborate text). Use all this good energy now, because Mercury is headed into retrograde on the 16th, meaning your communication will be all f*cked up until March 9th. Plan accordingly.


Mercury in Pisces has you feeling inspired this week, Aries! The only question is how you’re going to use it. You’re literally brimming with good ideas, so you might wanna make sure to carry a notebook around with you so you can jot them down. Who knows? A random thought you had in the shower could end up being the next iPod.


Mercury in Pisces is igniting your inner activist, Taurus. Luckily there are approximately one thousand political events for you to get excited and/or furious about this week. If you haven’t already, start looking into who the 2020 candidates are, or even research a more local race you could get involved in. Whatever you do, don’t waste your energy arguing with random Twitter users who have two followers and no avatar. It’s not worth it. Plus, they’re probably a bot.


You are absolutely thriving in leadership roles this week, Gemini, so don’t forget to lean the f*ck in. You are naturally finding the perfect way to word your stern-yet-still-pleasant emails to the team, even without using a thousand exclamation points. Use this take-charge attitude to really stand out at work. And as an added bonus, this level of professionalism might help your coworkers finally forget how f*cked up you got at the holiday party.


No touchy! Mercury in Pisces has you needing a lot of personal space this week, Cancer, meaning you have absolutely zero patience for the guy who “has to” touch your lower back to get by at the bar. Even your significant other may find you feeling less in the mood to cuddle, as you’ll be way more focused on your own bodily autonomy. Anyone who doesn’t like it can f*ck off.


Are you a Netflix documentary, Leo? Because you’re a f*cking mystery this week. Mercury in Pisces has you attracted to all things unknown, whether it be literal ghosts and ghouls (check out The Servant on Apple TV+), or just shooting off some risky texts and seeing what happens. Now is the perfect time to play the field, as you’re wayyy more interested in vague flirting than concrete plans. Basically, you’re interested in all things ghosting (both literal and figurative).


The stars are playing matchmaker for you, just in time for Valentine’s day! You’ll be feeling the urge to couple up this week, and not just romantically. You’ll find more success in teams this week, so don’t be afraid to pair up on a project at work, or to ask a buddy out for drinks. You could end up being one half of the world’s next great power couple!


The business of Mercury in Pisces has you feeling overwhelmed with the details of life, meaning you should check and double check your work this week. You may find yourself unable to even look at your calendar app without blacking out, and don’t even get me started on your inbox. Take things one at a time and remember to re-read all tweets before hitting send. You don’t want an unfortunate typo to be the one thing standing between you and viral fame.


This week is bringing the hyper-creative energy, Scorpio, and you’re going to want to harness it for maximum success. Give yourself permission to try something new, whether it be taking a slightly different route to work, or testing out a new pickup line on the apps. Express yourself! Someone who doesn’t like you at your awkward flirting doesn’t deserve you at your second-date sex goddess, or whatever the f*ck that Marilyn Monroe quote is.


This week is for the squad, Sagittarius. When Mercury is in Pisces, Sags feel most energized by spending time with their inner circle. Fire up the group chat and set aside some time to hang with your elite crew, even if it’s just a group FaceTime. But remember, this is VIPs only. You don’t want some rando you won’t be friends with in three months cutting in and ruining the vibe.


Capricorn?!? A social butterfly!!? Well, I never! Mercury in Pisces has you actually enjoying the company of others, Capricorn, meaning it is the perfect time to invest in a blossoming friendship. You’re feeling charming and effortlessly funny, so it’d be a shame to waste it on the same old people you always talk to. Get drinks after work with your cool coworker, or take your SoulCycle acquaintance up on their offer for a post-cycling coffee. Worse case scenario, you have a semi-boring meal with someone you never talk to again.


This is a good time for getting your finances in order, Aquarius, so you’d better hop on that. Sure, Tax Day isn’t until April, but what if…hear me out…you got all your tax documents in order now. TurboTax is available all year long, and it’s never too early to call your dad’s tax guy and beg him to tell you which deductions to take. You’ll thank yourself a few months from now when you’re chilling with your tax return and all your friends are scrambling to figure out what the f*ck to do with all their W2s.


Mercury is in your sign, and it has you wanting a major glowup. You’re feeling like your entire look needs an upgrade, which may or may not be possible based on your budget. Luckily for you, YouTube makeup tutorials are free, and anything can be worn and then returned (so long as you remember not to take off the tags). Do what you need to do to achieve the glam look of your dreams. Then take lots of pics so you can remember it when you turn back into a pumpkin later.

Images: Pamela Lima / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.