It's The End Times: Weekend Horoscopes October 2-4

Holy sh*t, it’s October. I assume the Earth will just sort of explode at the end of the year, so has everyone started building their bunkers? Made their final plans for the apocalypse? Great. The stars will totes guide us through our next weekend full of sweatpants, pumpkin spice lattes, apple picking, and whatever makes you momentarily forget that it’s 2020 and everything is literally terrible.


It’s all about relationships this weekend, Libra. Prepare for some bickering with those closest to you on Friday and, if you can keep your sh*t together, Saturday will be more peaceful than fuzzy slippers and autumn leaves and it not being 2020. Sunday is for relaxing, so prop your feet up and try not to check your work emails. You deserve it, sweetie.


Take care of yourself this weekend, Scorpio. Use Friday night to center yourself with a bottle of wine and reruns of RHONJ. Saturday, the stars want you to, like, pay attention to your partner, so I guess listen to them talk or buy them ice cream or whatever. Sunday is all about friends, so don your best fall boots and head to the pumpkin patch for some cliche photos.


The moon and Mars want you to tap into your inner artist on Friday, Sagittarius, so draw a picture of a rainbow to put on your mom’s fridge. Saturday and Sunday are for health and your recent lifestyle choices, so go ahead and kickstart your new keto lifestyle with a side of pilates, or whatever you signed up for.


Get ready for some drama, Capricorn. Mars is set to f*ck sh*t up for you on Friday night into Saturday, so if things get a little chaotic, along the likes of fights with your S.O., weird vibes via work emails, or spats about COVID with your mom, just know that it’s the planets making your life miserable. Luckily, Venus will save the day in time for you to enjoy Sunday, so just try and hold out til then.


Your weekend will be off to a rocky start, Aquarius, so prepare yourself with enough pizza rolls, wine, and online shopping to cope. Your usually on-point communication skills will be worse than the presidential debate (too soon?), so Saturday may be best spent cuddled up with a book and away from other humans. By Sunday, Uranus will save the day and you’ll be feeling like your normal self—whatever normal is these days, anyway.


Stress ahoy, Pisces. The end of the week may culminate in impulse shopping, drinking, and unhealthy eating as a coping mechanism. It’s okay to self-soothe a bit, but try not to drain your savings or undo your healthy lifestyle in the course of an evening. Saturday and Sunday will see a shift thanks to the moon actually looking out for you, so bank on great convos with siblings and friends.


Change is in the air, Aries. Knowing that, it’s in your best interest to take the weekend to turn off your brain, relax, buy some throw pillows and candles, and hit reset. Put down your phone, don’t read about the f*cking debates, and give yourself time to mentally process where you are. Also, do a face mask, have a glass of wine, and jump in a leaf pile.


Energy is the name of the game this weekend, Taurus. Even though this week has been f*cking exhausting, chances are you’ll wake up on Saturday feeling ready and refreshed. Tackle some chores, like the stack of dishes that have lived in the sink since Tuesday, or the water glasses and old coffee mugs littering your tables. After that, meet up with a friend for a cocktail, because cleaning is hard and you deserve it.


The weekend starts off energetic, Gemini, but by Sunday you’ll be ready to wind down and get back to the ol’ Zoom grind. Friday night and Saturday are prime time for exploring and supporting your community, so maybe call up that animal rescue and see if they need an extra person to pet and walk doggos or something. Or just dine outside at a non-chain restaurant, either way. On Sunday, Mercury wants you to treat yourself with some restorative yoga, but really comfy yoga pants are just as good.


The week will end on a sh*tty note, Cancer, but the weekend promises to be generally pretty chill. Try to rise above pettiness on Friday, even if you feel like Joe Biden during the first debate. Saturday and Sunday are perfect for conversation and good company, so if you can safely visit with a few friends or your parents, do that. Sh*t, this may be a perfect opportunity for you to try out your charcuterie board skills.


Go on a hike, Leo. This weekend the universe literally won’t let you sit still, so do whatever the opposite of sitting inside and reading a book is. We recommend jogs around the neighborhood, a long nature walk with your dog, or urban hiking at an outdoor mall. Try not to blow your whole paycheck on pumpkin sh*t, unless you really feel like you need it.


Build up your confidence this weekend, Virgo. Whether it’s finally scheduling that haircut and color, getting your nails done, or just seeing a friend who, like, really thinks you’re special, you need to embrace your hotness. Use your down time to follow some body-positive accounts on Instagram, then get out there and go for a jog, eat a pizza, and learn about loving yourself. It’s called balance.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson