Welcome to the third week of Jaunary, betches. Despite my many prayers to both the old Gods and new, it is still cold, it is still dark, and capitalism still exists, forcing us to continue to work in the aforementioned conditions. Take comfort in the fact that the stars know you’re miserable, and they’re here for you. Read more below in your betchy weekly horoscopes.
We know what you’re thinking, Aries and, yes, it is entirely possible to burnout just two weeks into the year. Impressive? For sure. But still possible. We’re loving your newfound enthusiasm for accomplishing tasks in 2019, but you may want to try and conserve some of that energy for, I don’t know, the other 11 months of the year. In normal circumstances, life is a marathon, not a sprint. In these weird hyper-dramatic end of times we’re living in, every single day is an Iron Man. When in doubt, remember the immortal words of John Mulaney, “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”
The new year got you feeling down, Taurus? Or, more accurately, the frigid temperatures and perpetual darkness got you down? It’s understandable, but that doesn’t make it any easier to get your ass out of bed in the morning. This may seem like a radical suggestion, but we know what you need to do to lift that mood: exercise. In the immortal words of Elle Woods, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” Ward off any potential homicides in your future by getting up and getting into the class least likely to make you want to die.
All that blind trust in the universe is paying off this week, Gemini. Your relationships are flourishing, your energy is high, and your skin is somehow thriving despite the subzero temperatures outside. In short, you’re our idol rn. You need to keep that energy rolling into your weekend, where things should reach new heights, and in order to do that you just need to do one simple thing: avoid sh*tty people. There’s nothing miserable people love than taking others down with them, and you’re inner peace is a basically a giant neon target. Ignore anyone who tries to dim your shine, and enjoy walking in the sunshine.
What’s good, Cancer? Not you, that’s what. This week holds some extreme emotional turmoil for you, and all we can say is “yikes.” Your already highly active emotions are going to be working in overdrive for the next couple days, which makes your prime material for some overreactions. Keep that in mind, and be sure to really take time to reflect before popping off at the barista for giving you almond milk instead of oat (the audacity). Everyone gets a week to be an asshole every once in a while, just make sure you’re self-aware about it.
It’s a Leo’s world, and we’re all just living in it, right? That seems to be the case, and usually it’s not an issue because those who love you understand the way things work in the Leo Universe. But, this week, you may want to take a step back and see how your antics are impacting those closest to you. Believe it or not, other people experience emotion or turmoil every so often, and need to be supported. Let the next couple days be an exercise in being there for other people. Fear not, you can return to Leo Land next week.
It’s a new week, Virgo! And with it comes a new outlook. You’ve got a lot on your plate for the next few weeks, and it’s important that you go into all of that with a positive mindset. I know what you’re thinking: serotonin? In this economy? In these temperatures? Believe it or not, it is possible to be cold and not miserable at the same time, but you’ll have to work at it. Bundle up, treat yourself to a warm (entirely unhealthy) beverage when needed, and get out there.
No one does self-love quiet like you, Libra. Interpret that as you will, kind of like that Hailee Steinfeld song we all pretended wasn’t about masturbating. Possibly more so than any other sign, Libras know the power of loving themselves, even when it feels like nobody else does. Hell, especially when no one else does. It’s easy to start to feel lonely in winter, but don’t let that get you down. Use this time to revisit your first love: you. Take selfies. Buy yourself soft things. Retweet your own tweets. This week be sure to make time for you, in whatever capacity you require…but especially if it’s in the Hailee Steinfeld way.
The next two weeks are going to be a flurry of social activity, Scorpio. Part of you is excited about this, and part of you is dreading the non-stop effort that it requires to be sociable. Listen, we get it. Socializing is draining in the best of conditions, but damn near impossible when that electric blanket is calling your name. This week, conserve your energy where you can to save up for the moments when you’ll need it most. Feel free to skip out on non-essential events so that you can be your utmost shining self when the opportunity really calls for it.
It’s time to put on your “good friend” hat, Sagittarius. Just when it seemed like everything was calming down, it looks like the people closest to you are in need of some serious counseling. In times like these it’s best to over-prepare, so be ready for anything. Consuming excessive wine with a friend who’s been freshly dumped? You’re there. Being a shoulder to cry on? Break out that waterproof jacket. Sitting there silently while someone vents for hours on end? Prepare your best neutral expression. It’s not easy providing bottomless emotional support, but this week it is your cross to bear. Don’t worry, they’ll return the favor when you’re in need.
As Capricorn season comes to end, it’s time to reflect. The sun is setting on your month (or maybe two, given the holidays) of straight-up decadence, and it’s time to prepare for the harsh reality of the rest of the year. Use this week to slowly wean yourself off the finer things in life and start working up a plan on how to tackle 2019. Not sure where to start? Buy a planner. Set some goals. Disable your Postmates for the foreseeable future. Be kind to yourself during this transition back to real life, and expect a couple setbacks. It’s fine, you’re only human.
Morale is on the rise, Aquarius! You’re slowly working yourself out of that post-holiday funk just in time for birthday season. Use this week to get sh*t in order before the Celebration of You starts. Finish those to-do lists, get those workouts scheduled, and maybe consider buying groceries before immediately ordering takeout for the fourth night in a row. It’s important to set these habits before the three straight weeks of partying that Aquarius season inevitably brings.
As the most empathetic sign, it’s easy to put your needs second to literally every single other person in the world. But guess what, Pisces? Not this week. It’s time to start focusing on you and what you need to make the next seven days as fulfilling as possible. Maybe that means waking up early and taking some extra time for yourself before the bustle of the day. Great! Or maybe that means sleeping as much as humanly possible and skipping those morning workouts. Even better! Whatever your body needs to make it through the day, do it. Despite what you’re wired to believe, you do actually deserve a break every once in a while.
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