It's Gonna Be May: Weekend Horoscopes May 1-3

Welcome to quarantine week what-the-f*ck-ever, where nothing matters. If you ask me, or, well, probably anyone, 2020 has turned out to be total garbage. This year is trash. We want a do-over. Everything’s unfair.

Regardless of how your stay-at-home time is going, the stars and planets continue to do whatever it is they’re doing to make our lives, like, difficult. Honestly, rude. Sigh, let’s see what they’re going to make us do and feel this weekend, though.


Quarantine may not feel like a super romantic time, but the planets are pushing you to think outside the box this weekend, Taurus. But don’t feel the need to share your sudden inclination toward romance on Saturday or Sunday. It’s all about you, bitch. Take yourself on a date to the living room on Saturday and binge watch something you’re embarrassed to talk about in polite society. Then, polish off a bottle of wine by yourself, or order enough Chinese food for three people. Sleep for 12 hours, eat a stack of pancakes, and call your mom so she can tell you how great you are.


The moon in Virgo says to get your housewife on this weekend, Gemini. In other words, do the f*cking dishes, attack the pile of laundry on the chair, and maybe—just maybe—you can finally get around to color-coding your closet. Sh*t, if there’s enough time leftover, maybe you can even make yourself food! That’s when you head to the kitchen and don’t use your phone to order GrubHub, btw.


The planets are pushing travel this weekend Cancer, so snap your gloves on, sport a mask, and head out to finally buy some groceries. If you’re feeling really daring, head for a walk somewhere you aren’t likely to see a ton of other people, ya know, because of the distancing. On Sunday, you’ll be feeling the need for human companionship, so set up a happy hour or Sunday Scaries drinking party via Zoom. It’s OK to be hungover when you work from home.


Holy sh*t, Leo, remind me not to f*ck with you this weekend. The stars are gearing up to make this an emotional and angry weekend for you, so it’s probably best to steer clear of friends that tend to get on your nerves and, also, to warn your S.O. ahead of time about the mood you’re about to be in. By Saturday evening, you should be in better spirits, so celebrate by baking a pan of brownies for yourself and topping it off by pouring Bailey’s on it. Quarantine is making us, like, so domestic.


The planets in Taurus are telling you that this would have been a GREAT weekend to tell your boss to shove it and head off to Italy, or something. Unfortunately, sitting and Googling flight pricing for next year is about as far as you can go at the moment. Make the most of it on Saturday by planning a quick trip somewhere close you haven’t been on Saturday—but not actually going until the pandemic is over, obviously. Use Sunday to travel somewhere else mentally, maybe by finally eating that pot brownie you’ve been saving, getting in the tub, and zoning tf out.


You’re going to crave alone time this weekend, Libra. Your sleep has been kind of f*cked up all week, so you need to buckle down and get some Zzzs on Saturday. When you wake up, read a book or do something that doesn’t involve a computer, TV, or phone screen, if you can. Sunday, you’ll feel better prepared to take care of other people and yourself after some r&r.


The moon in Virgo is making you feel big time feelings about your friends—namely, about how much you miss them. Use Friday night for a virtual cocktail hour, and as a time to show everyone all the cool sh*t you’ve bought online while in quarantine. Saturday and Sunday are great for getting your hands dirty, so maybe try planting a garden, or at least transferring that long-struggling basil plant to a real pot.


It’s all about your career this weekend, Sagittarius. After spending the majority of your week on Zoom conference calls and pretending that it really takes two hours to answer emails, the stars want you to sit and think about your professional life. Get your nerd on and make a pros and cons list. Use Saturday to peruse job boards for a new gig or even a side hustle. Then use Sunday to think about how to ask your boss for a raise. It’ll be fun.


You’re feeling extra grounded this weekend, Capricorn. Like, nothing is going to throw you off. To celebrate, treat yourself to something special, like a party pack of tacos from Taco Bell, or, like, whatever the decent local restaurant equivalent is. While you’re all “namaste” on Saturday, think about how you can feel the most productive come Monday. Make a to-do list that you can actually accomplish and use a rewards system (like wine) to sweeten the deal.


Hooray for intimacy, Aquarius. If you’re quarantining with your S.O., you’re going to feel extra in tune with what they want (like, sexually) this weekend. In other words, don’t skip out on a chance to get weird, especially Friday night and Saturday morning. Also this weekend, you’ll have a hankerin’ to get dirty in other ways. Surprise, it’s cleaning. So, yeah, get to that.


You romantic relationship has been a little rocky this week, Pisces. Take the weekend as an opportunity to connect with your partner both physically and mentally. Spend some time doing an activity together—like making a complicated dish or planting some summer flowers. Sh*t, get wild and paint the house. Whatever you do, make sure you’re communicating and working as a team.


Tend to yourself this weekend, Aries. Quarantine sucks, but it’s also kind of an amazing opportunity to focus on yourself. Give your skin a break from makeup. Let your hair dry naturally. Take an absurdly long bath and light that expensive candle. Do all the self-indulgent things that you always tell yourself you don’t have time for.

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Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson