Itinerary For Our Fun Hamptons Weekend—As Long As Nobody Deviates From This Plan Whatsoever

From: [email protected] 

Subject Line: Last Bash of Hot Vax Summer!!!


After months of planning, the Labor Day share house is THIS weekend, and I don’t want to hear any last-minute excuses!! I’ve checked accuweather, and there is NO hurricane threat, and I saw half of you posting from the Kygo concert last weekend. If you’re anxious about the Delta variant because of the news about booster shots, lmk because my doctor on the UES will hook you up… with some Xanax so you can chill the fuck out.

We have eight rooms and 18 people confirmed which may sound like a nightmare even pre-covid, but it’s the Hamptons. It’s going to be chaotic but FUN! 

Also, as Stacy is struggling with debilitating depression after yet another breakup (Steve was not worthy, Stace) — this is for YOU. Thanks for venmo’ing me the deposit! Still waiting on some people, so if you haven’t sent me your share yet, please do so ASAP!


Friday: Leave the city. 

Troy, my FIANCÉ (not on copy as we are now one unit) (have you seen the ring yet?? Pics attached here for your convenience) booked us a Blade. Please reserve your concerns about the environmental impact for someone who gives a fuck; if you’re so worried, then take the LIRR. 

Abby, I know you’re still dating artists, but if your plus-one can’t afford to split the group dinners, leave him at home. We’ll find you a guy who can afford to shop at Whole Foods. (We will make an exception if he can pay with other, non-monetary contributions…)

7pm: Dinner at Surf Lodge and then stay until whenever. Not to be tacky, but is everyone ok splitting the bribe? These reservations were impossible.

Saturday: Sleep in! 

But for those who are interested…

10am: SoulCycle, duh! My drug of choice is endorphins (but please don’t forget the chocolates for Sat night, Abby!) I’ve taken the liberty of pre-registering all of you, and there’s a $40 fee if you cancel. Bring your own water.

12:30pm: Daybed at Gurney’s. Was gonna do brunch at Morty’s but last week Troy took me to lunch there and we saw Scott Disick and his latest teenage girlfriend. Felt old. Lost my appetite. 

3-4:30pm: Nap time. That’s not a suggested timeframe, btw, so set your alarms.

4:30pm-6:30pm: Get ready for…

7:00pm: Dinner at Showfish, followed by…

Night out at either: Sloppy Tuna, Liar’s, Memory Motel or Talkhouse — can’t decide, I’m such a Libra. (Before anyone comments, yes I know my birthday is in March but I’m a Libra rising.) This feels like a good time to mention if you haven’t started saving up for those Uber surcharges… consider taking out an additional line of credit.

Sunday: Pool Party at the House

Sleep in, for real this time! Except

9:30am: I booked my favorite Barry’s trainer to come to the house and do a private class for those who are interested! Nothing crazy, mostly strength training so it’s definitely doable after a night out. Let me know if you’re out but I gave him a prospective head count of 18.

11:30am-6pm: Rosé all day. Stacy, pace yourself. 

6pm: Pre-game cocktails at 6pm. 

8pm: Dinner prepared by the private chef Troy doesn’t know I used to hook up with for free gourmet meals. (Again, not on copy and need I remind you that forwarding this chain is a violation and you will be hearing from my family attorney)

I’m wearing a white linen Veronica Beard suit with a Pucci bikini underneath and silver Staud sandals. Don’t any of you dare so much as bring a white blazer. Kidding! We can totally share!

I suggest dressing cute, esp if you’re single. As my mom would probably say if she understood social media platforms, TikTok is not just an app, it’s your biological clock. 

Let me know what you’re wearing for the pool house party! It goes without saying that there are no flip-flops allowed. That goes double for the men. 


Image: Aleksandra Jankovic / Stocksy

Kate Robards
Kate Robards
Kate Robards is a New York City based stand-up comedian, writer, and actor from Orange Texas. The Washington Post said she’s “hilarious.” The San Francisco Chronicle said she’s “genuinely funny.” Her manager says she’s “unknon.” She’s written for The Shorty Awards, Bustle Rule Breakers, and Meet Cute. For more jokes follow her on Instagram and Twitter.