As January drones on and our New Year’s resolutions crumble, we look for other ways to spice up what’s left of our lives. There’s a right and wrong way to do this, and a haircut could go in either of those directions. We’ve all gotten a little too scissor-happy and ended up regretting it for the next year while waiting for our hair to grow back. (I’m convinced your hair grows slower when you actually want it to be longer.) So before you make an appointment with your stylist, maybe ask yourself: do you really want bangs or do you just need a therapist and a weighted blanket? Is your haircut a cute “new year, new me” transformation, or a cry for help? Don’t just take our opinion. We consulted hair stylist-extraordinaire, Dhiran Mistry from Spoke & Weal Soho, to spill the tea on which haircuts are truly the worst.
Good Idea: The power-suit of hairstyles has to be a badass bob or lob (aka a long bob). It’s sharp, means business, and doesn’t text its ex at 3am. While it can be a risky hairstyle to try, chopping off those dead locks and getting a clean look seriously helps you portray the image that you have your sh*t together. Mistry also suggests keeping your bob as simple as possible, no high-low or low-key mullets.
Cry For Help: Where it takes a real f*cking turn is when you get too round and bubbly with it. We do not want any bowl cuts happening here. This tragic look, also known as the mom bob, basically screams “I’m 36, my name is Linda, I comment hearts on Reese Witherspoon’s Instagrams thinking she’ll see it and care, and I’ve started hiding the good wine from the kids.”
Good Idea: This hairstyle is often super stigmatized, according to Mistry. As a stylist originally from London, he says that many Europeans love to rock the pixie look, but since being in America, he’s noticed many women are uncomfortable cutting their hair that short. For one simple reason: men. They ruin f*cking everything. Mistry’s best advice: dump his ass. Don’t let him micromanage your hair and try to craft you into some dumb image he has in his head of what beauty should look like. You’re your own prize, betch.
Cry For Help: I know you might be traumatized from the pixie cuts of Kate Gosselin circa her TLC show or Jamie Lee Curtis à la Freaky Friday, but these are not the inspos you show your hairdresser.
Venture into the stylings of Cara Delevingne, Janelle Monae, or my personal favourite pixie on the planet, Lupita Nyong’o. So relive your study abroad days and go for this classy European cut.
Good Idea: Rocking a bald head is one of the most confident and badass hairstyles you can go for. You ain’t hiding anything behind lushes locks or tight curls, it’s all on display. Mistry says many women can pull off this look, but few find the courage to actually do it. He adds that most people (me) use their hair as a distraction from their face because they’re self-conscious about their appearance. But bald bitches know they look sick AF with or without hair.
Cry For Help: If your mental health is questionable and you’ve been on a two-week bender, you’re at an extremely high risk of going all Britney 2007. This is not just a cry for help, but a f*cking scream. If you go bald, do it right or not at all. Impulse head shaving has never once turned out to be a good thing. I can literally promise you that.
One of the best shaved-head looks has to be iconic South Sudanese model and former VS Angel, Grace Bol:
Good Idea: Most clients that come to Mistry ask for bangs in order to cover something up—forehead, acne, and in a recent case, a scar from a woman’s Christmas tree falling on her. In other cases of bang requests, Mistry has recently been getting a ton for microbangs. When done right, microbangs can look gothic-chic and modern.
Cry For Help: Cutting them yourself. Enough said.
Good Idea: Though you can’t perfect the messy bun, you may be able to rock a modern-day shag hairstyle. This look has a ton of texture, layers, and sex appeal. Flawless beings such as Alexa Chung and Julianne Hough are perfect examples to show your hairdresser, Mistry suggests.
Cry For Help: Please, for the love of all that is good in this world. Do not show them a picture of Lisa Rinna. This is NOT the type of shag you’re going for. We love Rinna, but you don’t have a daily glam squad to maintain such hair on yourself, and before you know it you’ll be collecting cigarette buds and a small family of birds in your nest of hair.
Good Idea: We love a good Balayage, but the absolute key to dying your hair according to Mistry is not to stray too far from your original shade. The further you go from your natural color, the more likely you are to damage your hair, and there ain’t nothing cute about that.
Cry For Help: Don’t trick yourself into thinking blondes have more fun. Bleached out peroxide blonde hair is just about as classy as Lindsay Lohan’s mugshot(s). Dip dying died along with Tumblr in 2012, so don’t try the partial bleaching.
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Would you believe it if I said this was fine hair? @saalesci has a gorgeous head of hair but had been growing it out for her amazing wedding a few months ago. The problems that occur from not cutting your hair for a long time aren’t always so apparent to the naked eye, it’s the internal damage that it does to the structure and density. Typically the ends feel a little dry but the overall head of hair can feel inconsistent and start to feel very “thin” on the ends. Anyways now her hair looks like this and it doesn’t matter about the months of damage that occurred before ????❤️????✂️
For more hair inspiration, follow Dhiran Mistry on Instagram.
Images: Adrian Sava / Unsplash; dhiranmistry_ (2), alexachung, yukamannami, gracebol, caradelevingne / Instagram