Is There Such A Thing As Sucking Too Much D*ck? Ask A Pro

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Dear Head Pro,

Here is my random internal dilemma. I love giving blow jobs. I seriously… love it. Girls, call me a freak, but it’s just what turns me on. Every time I start off even making out with someone I just want to do it. Obviously there is a stigma to this, so be honest but how slutty does that look? I know I’m not supposed to care about what people think and just explore my sexuality with what is unique to me.. But being the natural born manipulator I am, sometimes I wonder if I forfeit too much power with this constant “generosity” of mine. Also I’m aware I sound like a total asshole. But even though I really do love sucking the d, I don’t have a boyfriend and a lot of the guys I end up hooking up with are in circles of people I know so I don’t know if I should just cool it to preserve my (so far) untainted reputation or just do me. I’d love a man’s opinion because unfortunately at this point in my life I still care what men think. 🙂

Appreciate it,
“Head” Betch

Dear Dick Sucker,

Hmm, yeah. I mean if you’re blowing every guy you’re making out with, that’s going to look slutty. Like, that’s kind of the definition of slutty. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with getting turned on by the idea of performing oral sex. I think going down on girls is pretty hot, but the difference is that I’m a guy so I don’t have girls slingshotting their vaginas at me from across the room for my consumption. But I also assume that you’re not actually blowing every dude who taps you on the shoulder, so I kind of see your dilemma.

Obviously sex means different things to different people, but maybe it would help if you tried to look at oral as an actual sex act instead of just “lol blowjobs?” Like, I assume you don’t fuck every guy you come in contact with, or even every guy you find attractive, so consider applying the same standards to the dudes you’re blowing. The downside is that you’ll be sucking fewer dicks, which is less fun than sucking more dicks, but the upside is that you won’t turn literally every guy on campus into Eskimo brothers with each other.

(Also, if you’re going to go the wild and free route, don’t suck every dick in a friend circle. I feel like that’s Clandestine Betchy Sluttiness 101.)

Slobbery Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Take a break from responding to delusional bitches who just want to know for the millionth time why their casual hook-up doesn’t want a relationship with them and help out a young professional woman over here.

I recently started a new job that I actually really like. It’s challenging, rewarding, and actually somewhat flexible- which is where the problem is arising. When I first began my boss explained that they are open to people keeping their own schedules within reason, so it (supposedly) doesn’t matter if you want to work 8-4 or 11-7. She specifically said not to feel pressured to conform to my co-workers schedules, as long as I’m generally in touch with the office via e-mail and text when I’m not there in person.

I was upfront in that meeting about the fact that I foresaw myself being more of any early bird, and so far that’s been true. I like working 8-4 or 9-5 for two main reasons: I’m more productive/sharper in the morning, and I want to get home early to spend time with my fiancé, who also works an 8-4 or 9-5 schedule. Should be a win-win, right?

Unfortunately, I’m starting to worry that I’m being negatively judged by my coworkers and boss for always being the first person to leave every afternoon. Basically everyone else prefers to come in later and work later. It doesn’t matter that I was in the office for two hours before anyone else came in in the morning- obviously my absence when everyone else is there makes more of an impression than my presence when they aren’t. Is there anything I can do to mitigate the potentially bad impression that I’m giving everyone, or do I need to suck it up and get with the “culture” of my office if I want to succeed at my job?

– The Early Bird Gets… Dirty Looks?

Dear Early Betch,

Coworkers are, literally, the worst fucking people on the planet. It’s kind of a cruel twist, really – for the first 22 years of your life, you’re spending most of your time with friends of your choosing, but you have relatively freedom elsewhere. Then you become an adult, and fuck you right in the grundle: Enjoy spending 40+ hours per week with people you didn’t pick and who you’ll almost certainly hate. The very best teambuilding exercise a company could ever do for me would be to build walls around my cubicle 400 feet high and remove the telephone and internet connections.

In your case, your boss is the most important part. You have to figure out if she’s really annoyed with your schedule, or just mildly inconvenienced. I would suggest becoming an over-sharer: Really let her know what you’re doing at all times. When she gets in at whatever dumbass hour she chooses, pop into her office and fill her in on everything you’ve done that morning. At the end of the day, wait until you get home and send her an email with what you did today and what you plan to do tomorrow before she gets in. That way, while she can be annoyed all she wants, she can’t question your work ethic if your schedule is in line with company policy.

Your coworkers are actually a lot easier to deal with: Just turn the passive-aggressiveness up to fucking 11. If one of these 10:00 idiots arrive slightly early, make a big deal – “whoa, are you in early? It feels like I’m usually here hours before I see you!” Another favorite for someone who comes in late is “Man, what time do you wake up in the morning? I haven’t been able to sleep that late since high school!” If you happen to be working a little late, as you’re leaving ask people why they’re still there. When they say their 8 hours aren’t up for another 2, smile and say “that’s right, you get in after I do. Sorry!”

In general, being vocal about how busy you are and giving people shit for being different from you is a good way to get ahead in life. Just ask every politician ever.

Timesheet Kisses,

Head Pro

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