School’s out for summer. For some of you lucky assholes, that means you’re more than happy to get practically naked and head to Vegas or Florida or even the fucking neighborhood pool and flaunt your fucking perfect body. Not bitter.
But for the rest of us, the approach of summer is probably sending you into a tailspin because your muffin top is an exact replica of the baked goods at Panera Bread.
So, like all tech-savvy betches, you’ve likely turned to Instagram to compare yourself to skinny 18-year-olds/look for a workout plan. And you’ve likely stumbled upon Kayla Itsines’ Instagram with a casual five million followers. And every picture is basically a before-and-after of chubby girls getting skinny.
Let’s cut the shit, Kayla. Is your Bikini Body Guide workout betchy?
The #BBG workout (which indeed has its own shitty hashtag) starts off simply enough. The workout requires that you do four, seven-minute circuits of moves like squats and push-ups and crunches three times a week. Seems harmless, but the leg workouts will make it impossible to sit down for a week. The ab exercises will make you nauseous. And good luck carrying a fucking purse after arm day. You have been warned.
But it just gets worse. By the end of the 12-week workout plan, you’ll be running four days a week and doing these circuits 4-5 days a week. You’ll be doing lay-down push-ups and jump squats and exercises that make you look like a flailing bag of shit. And that much effort is not fucking betchy, no matter how hot you look afterwards.
Kayla also includes a meal plan, because the workouts aren’t enough on their own to completely ruin your life. Her recommendations? No sugar, no alcohol, and cut out most carbs.
A life without wine, chocolate, and pizza is a life I’m simply not prepared to live. Count me out, Kayla.
The verdict: NOT FUCKING BETCHY. GO DRINK MORE.